Let *her* in

Even if I can barely hear David Green talking about the woes of the world, I make an effort to listen to Morning Edition each day. I'm listening for pieces like this one about breastfeeding and future success--stories and news that affect how we think of ourselves as women. 

Too often, I'm wincing. Like yesterday with the breastfeeding piece. When a pediatrician like Valerie Flaherman says "some women can't breastfeed for physical reasons or because they have to go back to work,", I wince at not only her ignorance but the cost to moms everywhere because of her ignorance. I can only hope as a researcher that she is not also in practice. Can you imagine going to your pediatrician and talking about challenges with breastfeeding or saying that you'd rather not breastfeed? Well, maybe you can. And perhaps like me, you may also imagine just how smoothly that conversation would go.

1 in 3 women are a survivor of physical, sexual abuse or stalking in their lifetime. This is a CDC number, not a number from an advocacy group but from a government agency. Technically, it is more than 1 in 3 (36%+) but for simplicity, I say "1 in 3". As I talk about at length in my When Survivors Give Birth trainings, past abuse or trauma can be one of the MANY reasons - beyond physical and career- that women don't breastfeed. Remember those early days? Your baby constantly at your breast (cluster feedings!), rooting around at your blouse or top, constantly touching your chest and skin with their roving hand. At some point there was also pain. All of these actions can be very triggering for a past survivor of abuse. Some survivors won't try breastfeeding because they have a sense just how triggering it might be. And some do try.

But there are other reasons that women cannot breastfeed. Women who have struggled with disordered eating or body image challenges can find the idea of breastfeeding scary or disturbing, on top of the many other changes that are happening or happened to their body. In the past, women who took antidepressants were encouraged to wean from their meds before breastfeeding. Scary but true. Weaning is not necessarily what is advised today as this piece points out. Fearless Formula Feeder founder, Suzanne Barston wrote a terrific book, Bottled Up, talks at length about the reasons why some women don't breastfeed. (Worth checking out if you're curious.)

Y'all, breast is not best. What's best is what's right for YOU and your family. Not what your pediatrician says. Not what some study says. What's best is what works for you and your family. .

There will always be stories about what we, especially we women, can do to be more "successful". And how moms can better support brilliant, well-rounded children destined for careers that improve the world and make boatloads of money at the same time. Let's turn the channel on those stories. Just like I'd never suggest "leaning in". , I never think it's good for anyone's mental health to compare themselves to others. You're not successful alone; we're successful together. Instead of isolating and marginalizing those who don't fit into tight criteria (who does really?), let's gather them together. Let her in. You know. The woman with the messy house or the one who doesn't talk as much. The much older woman or the much younger one. The woman who doesn't have a partner or kids. Or who has had many! Let's gather her and the rest together to build better stories about community, love and support.

Invite me too.

Thank you for reading.

When Survivors Give Birth: What is Childhood Sexual Abuse?

This post is the first in a series in which I will look at how a history of abuse affects childbearing women. Today's post will look at what we mean when we talk about childhood sexual abuse (CSA).

The CDC defines childhood sexual abuse is defined as any kind of touching or fondling in a sexual way including oral, anal or vaginal intercourse with a person at least 5 years older than the victim who is under age 18. Advocates and educators take a broader view of CSA and believe that any sexual activity committed with force against someone else's will is sexual abuse. That can include an adult forcing a child to watch pornography or sexting, for example. Girls between ages 7- 13 are believed to be at greatest risk for childhood sexual abuse. [That number may be artificially high, however given that victims younger than 7 may either not remember or not be able to put language around what happened to them.] CSA can be challenging to get hard statistics on because the definition, as discussed above, isn't uniformly accepted and/or used by researchers. Here's what we do know:

Similar to domestic violence, CSA affects girls in much greater numbers than it affects boys. Some research reports 1 in 5 girls vs. 1 in 10 boys, some research narrows the gap a bit more but everyone can agree that more girls are victimized in much greater numbers than boys are. What is also undisputed is that perpetrators of CSA are overwhelmingly male and usually known to the victim. Even though television or movies often includes stories of abuse committed by strangers against children they have abducted, so called "stranger danger" doesn't exist. The number of children like Elizabeth Smart, thankfully, is actually very low, usually single digit lows like 8-9%.

We also know that CSA can impact physical wellbeing of a child well beyond the time that the abuse ends into adulthood. A child's brain is malleable so its development, in part, is shaped by experience. So developing areas such as learning ability, social emotions skills and language development are affected in children. Consider each of these areas. They are the building blocks for life; the significance of damage done to these areas cannot be over-stated.

The silver lining, if there is one, is that parents and caregivers can take actions to minimize the risk of childhood sexual abuse. Knowing the facts, as we've discussed here, is one way. There is power in knowledge. Providing a safe, stable home environment, talking to your child, recognizing signs and being aware are other ways. We'll talk about these in future blog posts.

Have a question, concern or comment? Share it below or contact me privately. Thank you for reading.

{new post} #bookreview _Survivor Moms_

This Wednesday 10.29, I am hosting a Twitter Chat for #survivormoms from 8-9 pm EST. I'm a little nervous since it's my first one (will anyone show up?!) but I feel compelled to do it because not only is October domestic violence awareness month (DVAM) but because while DV in general has been so much in the news, how DV and sexual abuse affect childbearing women in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period is not. So, a Twitter Chat and a book review of the landmark book, Survivor Moms by Mickey Sperlich and Julia Seng seems to be in order!

From what I have seen online and heard anecdotally, the survivor response to Survivor Moms is mixed,  Some survivors reading it have shared how triggering it was for them.  And I completely hear that. Sperlich and Seng’s work is very through. As a tool for professionals who deal with survivors, however, Survivor Moms is indispensable. {I'll share a bit about why below.} And if you are a survivor looking to understand a bit more about how your past abuse will affect you in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period as a new mom, check out this book. There is literally nothing else like it. Just be aware that it may be triggering for you.

Survivor Moms begins at the beginning: before the survivor is even a mom. The authors look at the range of affects that trauma can have on the woman in adulthood (PTSD, substance abuse issues, disordered eating, etc.) leading up to pregnancy. The book ends with hope and tools for healing setting the stage of recovery as a “lifelong process” (208). That phrase along with many interspersed in this book really underscore the many valuable messages in this book which often come from primary sources, which makes the book all the more powerful. Recovery was a "lifelong process" is hard to accept, for many survivor moms. Survivor moms that I work with often speak of being angry or frustrated because they have "done the work" to put the abuse behind them, only to be re-triggered by their pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding. 

Survivor Moms is extremely well researched and offer up the voices of many survivors as testimonials to that research. Those stories are what truly make this book both accessible and unique. I appreciate that the book includes a broader look at sexual abuse in general and doesn't  doesn’t limit it’s scope to childhood. (Penny Simkin & Phyllis' Klaus fantastic book, When Survivors Give Birth, focuses exclusively on childhood sexual abuse, for example). 

What is missing in my mind, though, in Survivor Moms is the linkage to domestic violence or intimate partner violence. Not only would that be helpful for survivors to understand but for professionals as well. Sexual assault doesn’t happen in a vacuum;  it is part of the power and control dynamics of intimate partner violence.  Sexual abuse is planned and purposeful, unless it is perpetuated by a stranger. (Which is more rare). Threats, intimidation, scare tactics like harming beloved pets or siblings are hallmark indicators of intimate partner violence.  They are classic tools of control used by an abuser.  “Even” if those were the only tools used in a “relationship”, educators and advocates would still qualify that relationship as abusive. These scary pieces are often part of the survivor stories in Survivor Moms. Linking sexual abuse to the bigger picture of intimate partner violence feels essential.

That said, I think Survivor Moms is a hugely positive step toward helping educate the public, and survivors themselves, about the prevalence of sexual abuse and its impact on women and mothers.

Have a suggestion for November's book review? Leave me a comment below. Thanks for reading.