Why co-parenting with an abuser can't work

"Chereyl Jackson" left her abusive partner, the father of her three year old twins, almost a year ago. She did the "right thing". So why isn't she finally free?

One of the most disheartening aspects of being a domestic violence survivor is that it can be hard to move on, even if you left your abusive partner months or years ago. Abusers are like piranhas; once they sink their teeth in, they don't let go easily. This is especially true if there are children involved in the relationship because, like most other parents, survivors who are not abusive to their children usually want the best for them. They often hope their kids will see the abusive parent in a positive light. They won't name-call or share past history. 

While the survivor mom offer chances for the abuser to show up as a good parent, abusers are not usually willing to cooperate with their former partner. They tend to think of their former partner as unworthy of them and when they do speak of her/hime, it is usually to blame or disparage. Everything is all about the abuser. They have been wronged. They deserve better. They are the ones making sacrifices. Perhaps the saddest facet of any domestic violence situation involving children is that the abuser, in spite of having great kid(s), shows little desire to change.

Chereyl Jackson wants to do right by her children, but that can be hard when her children are used as pawns by her abuser. (Abusers know that common children are one of the best ways to keep a survivor tethered.) But Chereyl has learned is something that is saving her sanity and allowing her to keep good boundaries with her abuser: you can't co-parent with an abusive ex-partner.  

In Rising Strong, Brene Brown asks, "can you be kind and respectful to your friend if they are hurting you?" (127). Her answer is "no". You cannot be kind or respectful to anyone who is hurting you, even if they are the father (or mother) of your child. And respect is at the foundation of co-parenting. Co-parenting is about working together for the greater good of the child, and working together involves respect and cooperation. No matter how hard the survivor might work to co-parent, an abuser won’t ever get there because they are more concerned with themselves than working together to raise their child. In every way, then, co-parenting then is impossible with an abuser. 

So what do you do if you can't co-parent with an abuser?

The path ahead...

The first thing you must do is accept the fact that you cannot co-parent with your abusive ex-partner as a universal truth. It may help to remember that there is an inherent give and take when you work or live with someone ;that kind of collaboration is absent in abusive relationships. Someone using power and control over someone else allows abuse to exist. A child being used as a point of leverage by their dad for greater control over their mom is abusive. There is sadness in accepting this knowledge because it is a loss. Taking time for grief, a lot or a little (whichever feels right) is essential.

The second step is to avoid negotiation with an abuser. So unless there is a clear safety issue, accept that there likely won’t be adherence to mutually established rules. Your ex wants to baptize your child for no good reason? Let him. He wants to post pictures of the kids on social media even though you'd both agreed not to? Let him. Engaging in a dialogue about his parenting vs. yours is a futile attempt in negotiation that won't ever end in compromise. Unfortunately, negotiating with an abuser does nothing except strengthen the ties between the two of you. And that's usually exactly what the abuser wants. 

Chereyl is free, but not in the way that you might think. She's free to make her own parenting choices knowing that her ex-partner might undermine them. But Chereyl is healthier, and better off parenting alone than she is tethered to an abuser that won’t ever respectfully allow her to parent.

{new post} #bookreview _Survivor Moms_

This Wednesday 10.29, I am hosting a Twitter Chat for #survivormoms from 8-9 pm EST. I'm a little nervous since it's my first one (will anyone show up?!) but I feel compelled to do it because not only is October domestic violence awareness month (DVAM) but because while DV in general has been so much in the news, how DV and sexual abuse affect childbearing women in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period is not. So, a Twitter Chat and a book review of the landmark book, Survivor Moms by Mickey Sperlich and Julia Seng seems to be in order!

From what I have seen online and heard anecdotally, the survivor response to Survivor Moms is mixed,  Some survivors reading it have shared how triggering it was for them.  And I completely hear that. Sperlich and Seng’s work is very through. As a tool for professionals who deal with survivors, however, Survivor Moms is indispensable. {I'll share a bit about why below.} And if you are a survivor looking to understand a bit more about how your past abuse will affect you in pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period as a new mom, check out this book. There is literally nothing else like it. Just be aware that it may be triggering for you.

Survivor Moms begins at the beginning: before the survivor is even a mom. The authors look at the range of affects that trauma can have on the woman in adulthood (PTSD, substance abuse issues, disordered eating, etc.) leading up to pregnancy. The book ends with hope and tools for healing setting the stage of recovery as a “lifelong process” (208). That phrase along with many interspersed in this book really underscore the many valuable messages in this book which often come from primary sources, which makes the book all the more powerful. Recovery was a "lifelong process" is hard to accept, for many survivor moms. Survivor moms that I work with often speak of being angry or frustrated because they have "done the work" to put the abuse behind them, only to be re-triggered by their pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding. 

Survivor Moms is extremely well researched and offer up the voices of many survivors as testimonials to that research. Those stories are what truly make this book both accessible and unique. I appreciate that the book includes a broader look at sexual abuse in general and doesn't  doesn’t limit it’s scope to childhood. (Penny Simkin & Phyllis' Klaus fantastic book, When Survivors Give Birth, focuses exclusively on childhood sexual abuse, for example). 

What is missing in my mind, though, in Survivor Moms is the linkage to domestic violence or intimate partner violence. Not only would that be helpful for survivors to understand but for professionals as well. Sexual assault doesn’t happen in a vacuum;  it is part of the power and control dynamics of intimate partner violence.  Sexual abuse is planned and purposeful, unless it is perpetuated by a stranger. (Which is more rare). Threats, intimidation, scare tactics like harming beloved pets or siblings are hallmark indicators of intimate partner violence.  They are classic tools of control used by an abuser.  “Even” if those were the only tools used in a “relationship”, educators and advocates would still qualify that relationship as abusive. These scary pieces are often part of the survivor stories in Survivor Moms. Linking sexual abuse to the bigger picture of intimate partner violence feels essential.

That said, I think Survivor Moms is a hugely positive step toward helping educate the public, and survivors themselves, about the prevalence of sexual abuse and its impact on women and mothers.

Have a suggestion for November's book review? Leave me a comment below. Thanks for reading.