In peer support group a few weeks ago, we talked about self-talk also known as cult commands. In part I & II of this brief series on cult commands, we talked about what they are and how they influence our behavior. Let's wrap up with what we do about them.
There's no quick hack here. No magic wand that will erase our cult commands. But, we can change them. Author Dan Pink says "we are better at solving our problems when we have a little bit of remove from them,". This sort of remove is called self-distancing. Self-distancing is one way we can change that cult command.
Let's use the cult command "don't you tell anyone," as an example.
Instead of 2nd person ("you"), we change the phrase to 3rd person. 3rd person would be your name. For ease, let's use my name, "Elizabeth,". Next, let's turn the negative into a positive. The revised cult command now reads as "Elizabeth can tell anyone,". (If your cult command is in 1st person, you can still shift to 2nd person so instead of "I can't tell anyone," it would read to "Elizabeth can tell anyone,"). You can also substitute adverbs ("Elizabeth can never tell anyone," to "Elizabeth can always tell anyone,") if that feels relevant.
Here's why this tool can be so compelling:
Studies show we turn toward someone when they use our name. We lean closer. We pay more attention. When someone uses our name, we see that they prioritize connecting with us. They see us worthy. When we talk about ourselves using our first name (3rd person), we create distance from ourselves. Creating distance makes us a bit more "worthy" in our minds, which is essential because the cult commands tell us the opposite.
When we change adverbs or make the negative positive, we control the cult command. The cult command no longer controls us. As humans, we are always in control of our story and how we share it. But it's hard to remember that when who we are is often minimized by society and "experts". Changing a cult commands is a powerful way to take back control of your own story, wants and needs.
We are worthy.
No child is born thinking they are ugly, stupid or unworthy of love. But when something unconscionable happens to us, we seek reasons why. Sometimes we are told why i.e. "you deserve this," "no one loves you," or "you're stupid," . But sometimes there are no clear explanations. And then we might make up our own reasons. "This must be happening because I'm ugly," or "he's treating me this way because I was raped," In either case, cult commands become beliefs that grow with us. Until we change them.
Do you have other suggestions on changing a cult command? Leave a comment below.