How did things get so bad?

It's January and our theme this month is "rebirth". Is now a good time to think about what's no longer working for you? It's like all of a sudden you look up, and you are in quicksand. You're like, "how did I get here? I was walking along perfectly fine for miles and now..."

photo credit by Rawpixel

Here's the three main reasons why:

1) You're busy. Preoccupied with life, kids, work, friends, volunteering, church. There's also climate change, a presidential election and child diagnosed with ____. There's a lot going on. It's easier to not spend time on hard things like communicating with your partner when your day is already full.

2) Your priorities shift. What used to be fine no longer feels that way. It's no longer okay to be the one in your family doing all the child driving: school, doctors, field trips, etc. Your sister not showing up for you when you need her can no longer be written off as just "who she is".

3) You are (or were) in crisis. You can't change things when you're in crisis. This is the sleeper of the three. It can be hard to accept that when you are in a point of crisis, you need to stabilize and not change all of the shit that is really screwed up.

Helpful as the above knowledge can be, it almost doesn't matter. You can't change what happened in the past. What you can focus on now, and indeed must do, is make changes that will feel better, healthier. The onus is on you to do something.

There will be critics. Oh, will there be critics! People don't like it when you upset the apple cart of your behavior that they have come to rely on. But here's the thing, there will always be critics when we sit up and decide to speak. Audre Lorde said "when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak."

But if we are to have:

...peace in our lives, we must speak and make change.

...a home that feels safe, we must speak and make change.

...relationships that are grounded in mutual respect, we must speak and make change.

...work that feels meaningful, we must speak and make change.

Trauma survivors can have a hard time letting some things go. Control has been taken away from us in the past. And sometimes we want to exert control over a situation at all costs, even if it means our suffering. Because at least we know what to expect.

You deserve better. And the thing is, Better is out there.

But in order to find better, we need to be willing to put aside the bad thing, or even the mediocre thing, to find it. And we need to trust it will come. Because it will. But not if we don't make any room in our lives for it by holding onto the things that no longer serve us.