Note: I spent a decade working with domestic violence survivors, at three different non-profits. One of my responsibilities was coordinating a 24hr crisis line. This included training volunteers to staff it. Crisis Management 101 was one of the most important parts of that training. It's something I know well and can help others do better, both in their own life and in support of others.
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As part of my 2020 word ("focus") work, I'm choosing themes for each month. (See my Jan 10 Instagram video post for what this month's word is.) "Love" is the theme for February. The word "love" is laden with expectations, pre-conceived notions and implied social norms. Yes, love can feel heavy, impossible or easier to ignore. But love is also silly, joyous and unexpected. Regardless of who we are, our background or experience, we deserve love. But before we head there, let's go Disney for a moment.
Nearing the end of Frozen 2, Anna finds herself in a dark cave, alone and lost. A perpetually sunny character without any real struggles, Anna is suddenly unmoored. She sings, as every Disney heroine does in crisis. She uses singing to think through her situation.
"I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb,"
Things are bleak.
But Anna keeps going, rather singing. Something shifts.
"But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on,
And do the next right thing,"
Anna's singing helps her do something that we can also do when we're in a similar situation: focus. When things feel scary, overwhelming or even out of control, we focus, then take one realistic step. I call that realistic step the "next best" thing instead of Anna's "next right” thing.
As anyone who has ever set (and missed) a goal knows, language matters. “Right" feels heavy with external judgement and perfectionism. “Right” also implies there’s a “wrong”, like you’re doomed if you don’t chose what’s “right”. In contrast, “next best” is about your best, not someone else's. Moral implications are absent. "Next best" feels both personal and possible.
Your "next best thing" is the first available step you can take to improve your situation. It is a clear, realistic action that you control. It isn't a dream or wish. One you have determined your next best thing, do it. Then do another next best thing. Until things start to feel better. This is Crisis Management 101.
Love may not seem like a crisis but it can feel hopeless and paralyzing. Let's apply CM101 thinking here. We start with focus. We ask ourselves, what's the heart of the issue? For Anna, it was being alone. If the issue is love, maybe the challenge is that love feels scary. "Scary" related to love could mean being afraid of others and the way they might express their love. And maybe we realize that love from ourselves is not scary; it's safe. It may feel foreign or strange but it's not scary.
Focus leads us to an opening for action, to that next best thing. For Anna it's getting herself out of the cave.
"Just do the next right thing,
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do,
The next right thing,"
For us, the next best thing then could be a self-love mantra.
Mantras are short sentences that encourage acceptance around an idea. Here again, language matters. I prefer mantras that use "I" statements because I'm already inserted in there. See examples to the left. But I could also use my first name, "Elizabeth is…" Try both ways. Use the one like a nudge (they both will) but also smooth.
As Anna readies for her action she reminds herself again to focus,
"I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make,"
Like Anna, we need to focus on the next steps, not beyond that.
Looking further than that and tackling too much will re-paralyze us. It's too much. We don't need a laundry list of options. We need the next best thing we can do. One thing to focus on. And then we need to do it.
Love can feel like a gold medal, just beyond our reach. Something we can't quite grasp, or don't deserve to. But it doesn't have to remain this way. Whether we are alone, without our sister like Anna or hoping for a future love, the key is focus. Then do the next best thing.
What's your next best thing? Leave me a comment below. And thanks for being here.