Silence is a racket

I saw a drawing on Glennon Doyle's Instagram last week about ignoring offensive things on the internet. Many followers liked it but there were a few comments, mine included, which challenged the idea. Much as I appreciate Glennon's work, I can't get behind encouraging women to silence themselves more than they already do.

You don't want to make waves. I get it. It's hard for me too, to challenge something I see or hear, even if it is online or anonymous. But when you ignore the personal attack against you on Twitter, the rude remark on your Instagram photo, or someone's ignorant statement on Facebook, your silence costs you. Silencing yourself is a racket, an expensive one, because it costs you more long-term than any gain in the moment. It costs you 1) emotional energy and 2) precious time because while you can choose a behavior, you can't choose a feeling. And if you choose to stuff your initial feeling, you're forcing your mind and body to backtrack from its gut response. That's a lot of work i.e. energy and time.

My take on the post I saw.

There are costs if you silence yourself but there's opportunity when you don't: speaking up for what's right. So often that boils down to your own humanity (or someone else's), the right to be treated with kindness and respect. It's not "being the bigger person" to ignore something offensive/ignorant and it's not about eliminating people from your life who disagree with you. It's about eliminating a damaging attitude of hate and snark that don't represent the kind of person you are, want to be or want in your world. Disagreement is healthy. Conflict is inevitable. Hate, snark, rudeness, ignorance is abuse. And you don't deserve that.

And of course there will be women because of who they are (they are a woman of color or identify as queer or an abuse survivor or are larger than the "perfect" size, etc.) and just by being themselves "out" in the world that it may not feel safe to speak up as often as they'd like. That's okay too. Being able to speak up and out is a privilege and sadly, some of us have this "right" more than others do.

If it feels safe enough: don't accommodate hate. That's what you're doing when you ignore someone else's meanness or cruelty. Unfriend, block, report. No one I know has extra time or emotional energy to throw around. You're juggling multiple commitments (perhaps even multiple children), managing a household and you don't have as much space in your day for your own needs...whatever it is they are. Maybe you even feel stuck. You have even less energy and time then. Make a decision today in favor of you and your well-being to speak out against offensive, instead of making room in your life for inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

Case Study: Susan sets a boundary

"Susan" (a pseudonym) is a freelance, non-profit consultant who took on a friend as a client. She liked the friend's organization a lot, knew that she could give them a good price and serious value for their investment. The project was initially smaller in scope but that shifted over the course of their months together. When it became evident to Susan that she was investing more time than she'd planned and was having to back-burner a larger, more exciting (and better paying) client, Susan decided she needed to ask for help. From me...because fortunately she's my client! Here's what we worked on:

Could Susan address the expansion of the scope of the work, feel in integrity with herself and keep the friendship?

Yes! Here's how:

1. I advised Susan to set up a time to talk to her client friend in person. A difficult conversation, yes, but it shows that she values and respects the friendship and the partnership so it's essential.

2. Susan decided to be honest and tell the friend what they both knew: the project has become bigger than was initially projected and because of this, Susan was having some conflicts with other planned clients.

3. Working together, we estimated that Susan could give that client 10 hours of work a week until December 1 and then would be off the project. We decided this was realistic for Susan without feeling like too much of a stretch.

4. Susan also offered to refer her to a colleague who could take over the unfinished work, if the offered time wasn't sufficient for her client friend.

5. Finally, Susan told the friend that she valued the friendship too much to continue to try and commit to a project that she didn't feel she could give 100% any longer.

What happened next:

At our next session, Susan told me that the friend had taken the news very well and decided to take her up on the offer of a referral to someone else. Turns out that other person had a skill set that Susan didn't which would have been needed on the expanded version of the project. The situation ended up being a win/win for everyone involved. Best of all, Susan and the friend are still friends.

Lessons:

• A spoken "no" often allows space for someone else to reply with an excited "yes!"

• Taking on a friend as a client usually comes at a cost, even if "just" in hard conversations and emotional energy.

• Setting better boundaries shows self-respect and generates respect.

Where do you need to set a boundary in your own life? Thank you for reading.

Empty Stomach Syndrome

Do you wait for other people to make decisions that impact your life? Are you a mindless eater or snacker? Do you find yourself validated by how many "likes" your photo or post receives?  Does that afternoon coffee or evening wine feel like a must? Is your schedule very full of appointments or projects for other people? Do you find yourself wishing that people read your mind so you wouldn't have to say what you really think? 

If so, you may be suffering from Empty Stomach Syndrome (ESS). ESS is the result of relying on other people and stuff to complete us. ESS is common in busy women who have a hard time establishing, then prioritizing their needs and wants. Women who struggle with life / balance issues can be especially susceptible to ESS. 

But there is a cure for ESS and it doesn't involve a prescription. It involves a shifting of your gaze from external to internal. From people, stuff and situations to you, you and YOU.

You are the source of everything you want in your life.*

No one or no thing can give you love, satisfaction, happiness and success. Too often you expect someone or somethings to fill a void(s) within us. That results in a rumbly, grumbly stomach (ESS) that doesn't ever shut up, usually because you're feeding it the soul-crushing version of Twinkies. You need the real stuff that comes from inside of you, not outside. Relying on others to complete you (even your partner and especially your kids!) is like relying on someone else to choose your major in college. Sooner or later, the outsourcing will catch up with you and it likely won't be pretty when it does.

Is ESS an issue for you? What void are you trying to fill? Leave me a comment below or over on my Facebook page.

Thanks for reading. If you like this post, click the heart icon below. If you really like this and want to hear more, please subscribe to my weekly newsletter which comes your way every Wednesday.

* Want to learn more and how? Come to The Pandora Passport starting Tuesday October 20.

I wanna hold your hand

My daughter and her friend were walking hand-in-hand toward Cocoa Cinnamon last week. I thought about how powerful it is to walk with someone else's hand in your own. Imagine how far we might get as adults if we held hands with someone else on our journey, whether metaphorical or real. But it's not really how far we get (the journey is the point, right?), it's about how we go. 

When we hold someone's hand, we travel in community, acknowledging that we are social creatures and alone is not how we should spent most of our days. Community is something we all need, introvert or not. Different communities that serve different pieces of ourselves are essential for us to grow as people. 

When we hold someone's hand, we travel more slowly. The hand grasped around ours might have longer or shorter legs than we do. We're not usually running, are we? We walk for the sake of walking, not to get to the next place faster than the rest of the crowd. 

When we hold someone's hand, we travel more intentionally. After all, we have another person to consider. Would either girl have broken away and deliberately bolted toward something dangerous, dragging the other's hand? I don't think so. 

When we hold someone's hand, we travel more confidently. We have someone else's hand in our own, we have the reassurance of their presence. Their support is literally something that we can feel. This connection is an important reminder of love in our life.

"Go fast, go alone. Go far, go together." is the old saying. Yes. Now, whose hand do you need to be holding now in this life? Hint: it's not your child's or your partner's.