Choose Your Own Adventure (Story)

We're always telling a story. You, me, my husband and I when we're together. All of us. The story we tell defines us to the world. It helps everyone else make sense and categorize us, mentally placing us within their realm of understanding. While I hate the categorizing and perhaps you do too, the upside is that we can make conscious choices to craft the story that we want people to tell about us.

You’re likely already doing this. You make the choice to not scream at your twins in public because you don’t want people to throw you dirty looks but if the twins were behaving at home the way they are at Babies R Us, you might make a different choice. Or at work? You want your new boss to think of you as a competent problem-solver so you make the choice to not ask for help with your first project even though you’re unclear on expectations. Or what about making the choice to avoid following through on a conversation with your partner about household tasks or childcare responsibilities, deciding it’s easier if you tackle it yourself?

Making choices yes, but making them well, consciously? No.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

— Robert Frost

Conscious choices, making decisions deliberately and with intention, involves actively taking two things into consideration: what the choice says about you and how the choice serves you. For example, what do the choices above tell the world? And are those choices serving the decision-maker? 

It never serves us, even in the short-term, to make choices that tell a different story than the truth, that you don’t ask for help when you need it, for example. Choices like these tell the story of a different person than who you actually are. There are already so many factors in the world (think: body image, relationship expectations and gender performance) that challenge your authentic self and in doing so, take a toll on your confidence. Don’t add fuel to the fire by making choices that minimize you. You must make choices that show the world who you really are so when you are faced with something that feels inauthentic, you are more confident challenging it.

Make conscious choices that tell the world your story... the one you want them to hear. Not choices made by default or fear but choices that speak volumes to the kind of person you are, serving you in the moment and down the road. The story of who you really are is the one we need to hear. And you’re the only one who can tell it.

Time and Space

One of my all-time favorite books, World Enough and Time by Christian McEwan is one that I have yet to finish. McEwan eloquently, peacefully even, makes the case that most of us are moving too fast on a regular basis. Of course I agree. And I'd take it a step further to say that if we want to feel more confident in our everyday lives, we must make time for quiet time away.

When we don't allow ourselves the occasional quiet space that we need as a way to recover from this super-fast world, we make decisions based on fear or scarcity thinking instead of abundance and/or gut instinct. It just make sense, right? If we don't have time to process, we don't decide well. When we don't make good decisions, the affects of those poor decisions are most likely to come back and haunt us. That niggling worry causes us to second-guess ourselves next time around and sometimes also to waffle about the next decision. All of that damages our confidence levels.

Think, too, about how you can do "hard" work, whether that's on ourselves or our businesses, if we don't take time away for reflection? We cannot. Just as it is impossible to continue to add more projects, people or commitments into your life without taking some of our existing ones away, it is impossible to be productive, in any capacity, without time and space to do so. This lack of time to do work on ourselves also negatively impact self-confidence.

But as busy women, how do we make that time and space happen? One of the ways that we carve out quiet for ourselves is to start small.

Getting up 20 minutes earlier than you usually do or than your child, partner does. Planning a weekly bath night so you can soak alone in the dark or by candlelight. Hiring a helper for 2 hours per day, even once a week. Coordinating childcare with your partner so you can take a walk alone. Buying one of those cool adult coloring books and some pencils to do some reflective coloring before bed, instead of looking at Instagram. Turning off NPR in the car in order to encourage quiet reflection.

These are all small tasks, most of which are free. All of them will help you carve out space and time for quiet reflection. So, what about you? What would your time and space for reflection look like? Leave a comment below or share it on my Facebook page.

Unpacking Outside The Mom Box

"The Mom Box" is a metaphor for the way that society keeps women small and contained. I wrote a little about that here recently. To be "Outside The Mom Box" is to step outside the boxes that we’re placed in as a women…whether that’s mom or childfree, wife or single, beautiful or unattractive, fat or thin…and create a life that’s not a box but a mirror. A mirror of who we are as an individual, active and taking up space in the world. I had an idea about how I wanted to help women do that when I first started this business but that's changed in the eighteen months since I opened my doors.

““We need not wait to see what others do.”
—Gandhi”

In no small way, my mother's illness and death last month helped spur on these changes. There's nothing like the death of someone close to you to remind you that your own days are numbered. And since my days, like yours, are numbered, I don't want to spend them playing it safe. Or trying to accommodate a request that doesn't make sense, pursue a path that doesn't serve me in the highest possible way or continue a commitment that feels outdated.

So, I've returned to my roots a bit in a new and improved way with the OTMB business rebranding. I'm doing only the pieces that I love and am really, really good at. This work, the story, focuses on helping women - not just moms - feel and act more confident in the big and small moments of their day-to-day lives. I'm offering solutions that only I can provide like a time-limited, personalized coaching program which focuses on a specific, super-exciting goal. No more asking "what do you want?" but "who wants to hear about My Story?" instead. This story won't change and it may not be for you. And I know some people will go away. That's okay because my story isn't for everyone. But if you struggle with saying "no" or setting a healthy boundary, it might be for you. My story might be for you if wrestle with guilt over not doing your work or enough work or the right work. And it might be for you if you waffle about making decisions because you don't want to let people down or are worried that speaking up will hurt feelings. So if any of those feel familiar, buckle yourself in. You're in good company. 

Thanks for being here.

How to Look Good in a Bathing Suit

The woman at the gym was at least 10 years younger than I. She was tall and thin and wore two pairs of shorts: a spandex kind and a running type. I hadn't noticed it at first but she was tugging on the spandex as she climbed onto the treadmill. Her legs were as beautiful as she was but that wasn't enough.

A woman came into Smitten a few Sundays ago and told me she'd gained 35 pounds after she quit smoking. She was in her mid 60's with dark, expressive eyes and fabulous hair. In spite of her "larger" size, she was beautiful. But she hated her body.  And even though everything she tried on looked good on her, it wasn't enough.

I had never worn running shorts, even in the summer, until six years ago when the guy I was dating at the time asked why I didn't. I told him that I didn't think my legs were good enough and he looked at me like I was crazy. I don't remember his words but I walked away from the conversation and bought my first pair of running shorts. 

I marvel at my daughter's body. Since she's often naked, I can really see what her body looks like, lots of softness and round lines, no hard muscles. But she doesn't mind, of course. She's happy to be walking around without clothes on. With her toddler belly rolling like Santa's at Christmas, she has no idea that in all likelihood she will learn to hate her body like most women.

- art by Feminist Lisa Frank http://feministlisafrank.tumblr.com

Who do we think we are that we can get away with hating our bodies the way that we do? They keep going even though we don't feed them well, disparage them in public (and private) or deliberately hurt them. Our bodies get us to work, the hospital and the vet. For many of us, they give us independence, the ability to walk away when something goes bad. And yet women know that because their body fails to live up the an idealized image of beauty that we didn't create, it is permissible to hate.

Who are we if we hate a piece of ourselves? Certainly not the confident, capable women we want to be. Self-confidence cannot exist alongside hate for a part of ourself. I say "no" to that hate. You are enough right now. With my no-longer-perky breasts and soft stomach, I am enough. My legs aren't perfect but they are strong. They get me where I need to go and carry my daughter when she's tired. I will keep wearing those running shorts.

Your body will never be the idealized version of perfect that so many of us covet. But you are perfect with all your imperfections, just the way you are now. So walk around the house in a bathing suit for a week before you decide to wear one to the beach. Do what you need to do (and that's a good first start) but this swimsuit season, let's step into our own power and speak a message of self-love, not hate. Heck, it's the least we can do.