Book Review: Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink

Writer, mom, consultant Katrina Alcorn wrote _Maxed Out_ after her own struggles with trying to do it all and be it all led her to personal maxing out.  I really appreciated this book on many levels but not least of which is Alcorn's raw honesty about her struggles, her insecurities, her risks and her many failures.  It seems to me that we don't hear enough about the nitty gritty that each of us moms face on a daily basis and --really important here- that we aren't to blame.  Alcorn fills that gap with this much needed book.

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In each chapter, Alcorn niftily intertwines her own story with related hard facts.  For example, in the chapter about her maternity leave from her former company, she concludes her story with the American reality of the challenge that she faced.  In this case, a lack of paid family leave.  She uses hard, current facts that are clearly and persuasively stated to make her case.  Over and over, Alcorn makes the case that moms aren't simply coming up short because of their own failings but because society at large has failed us.  And that's the most important, timeliest message that all moms need to internalize.  Right now. We aren't doing anything wrong.  We are doing the best that we can in a society that appears to value mothering but really when the rubber meets the road does next to nothing to support the mothers who do that mothering. 

It has always been important to me to help women support other women.  I offer free groups to new and expecting moms as one way to do this and I also volunteer locally in a different capacity.  Alcorn delivers here too. After "practice saying no" In the afterward, #2 is "Be An Ally To Other Woman".  #2 is just one more way to underscore the message of her book.  I think this is a crucial connection.  Yes, we all want paid leave (I think many people can agree on that) but less agreed upon is the need to band together, for women especially, to make these changes a reality.  That banding together involves supporting other women whose choices may not be your own i.e the decision to have a child or the decision not to have a child, for example.  A  conversation that should be focusing on how we can improve things for all of us becomes the sexy "Mommy Wars" crap instead.  Let's place the blame, not on ourselves or each other, but on the society that we live in for failing women and families at every turn.

One of my favorite parts of _Maxed Out_was the afterword.  Alcorn gives the reader ten tips that she can do right now.  So many of these grim look-at-the-desperate-state-of-the-world-we-live-in books don't offer any hope or ideas at the end for improvement.  Alcorn does.  Some of her tips take a bit more gumption than others ('practice saying no' and 'tell your partner what you need') but they are all smart, do-able and important for each mom to practice for a bit more sanity.  Alcorn also mentions Moms Rising, an advocacy organization that works on both grass roots and national levels to support moms.  Speaking of women supporting women! Alcorn encourages readers to sign up for Moms Rising and mentions that she is donating 10% of the proceeds of her book to the organization.  Wow, way to put your money with your mouth is.  

As I finished the book, I couldn't help think of Sheryl Sandberg and her take on what women need to get ahead.  _Lean In_ gets so many accolades for Sandberg's false message of the key to success being women working harder and smarter. Alcorn on the other hand places the blame squarely on the shoulders of the real problem: the society we live in, not our lack of hard work or personal dedication.  Mothers everywhere have those qualities in spades.  Alcorn does and so does Sandberg of course. What we don't have are systems that support families.  Women like Sandberg, however, are not only privileged enough to be able to buy the support that they need to raise a family: a nanny, housecleaner, personal assistants, daycare, etc. but are also more educated, higher up the corporate latter, etc. In short, they are very very fortunate. Women like Alcorn and I and perhaps you too, dear reader, cannot buy every success.  Not should we have to.

If you are a new mom or a soon-to-be mom, likely you will feel stuck in this place of no-win many, many times. I hope not of course.  But if you are, consider picking up _Maxed Out_ for a much needed reality check.  It's worth your time and your precious sanity too.

Outside The Mom Box rating: 5 stars out of 5

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Are you at risk for a postpartum mood disorder?

It's a little bit of a trick question because postpartum depression can affect any new mom. But it's important to note that there are some populations that are at a higher risk for postpartum mood disorders in general.  Here are some of those groups:

Women who have had health-oriented /physical challenges in their past:

• Survivors of intimate partner violence;
• Survivors of sexual assault, rape or childhood sexual assault*;
• Women who have suffered / suffer from disordered eating behaviors;
• Women with a history of depression;
• Women with a history of bipolar disorder;

Women with the following specific social or economic challenges:

• Women with limited family support;
• Women who are poor or lower income;

Lastly, there are factors related to the baby that put some women at a higher risk:

• Special needs babies;
• Colicky babies;
• Chronically ill babies or babies with life-threatening illnesses.

[Author, IBCLC and speaker Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett talks about all of the above challenges and more in greater detail in her book, Depression in New Mothers. I highly recommend it if you are interested in reading more about postpartum mood disorders.]

I would also add women who have suffered from chronic pain, after reading this article.  This is just my opinion but I can't imagine how suffering from constant pain wouldn't make you predisposed to a postpartum mood disorder. Finally there is a new study out that says that women who fear childbirth are also at greater risk for postpartum mood disorders.

With all of these risk factors, I can't help but wonder why more women aren't diagnosed with a postpartum mood disorder.  But of course, as we know, postpartum mood disorder screenings aren't thorough, perfect or even often enough.  The onus is, once again, on the new mom herself to come forward.  But when you're in a haze of confusion, pain, sleeplessness and perhaps anxiety, it can be hard to sort through whether your feelings are normal.  Also not helpful is the fact that you don't see your OB until six weeks after you have your baby/babies.  That may not be early enough (postpartum depression can happen anytime in the first year) or it may be too late. 

Here are three things you can do, if you happen to fall into any of this categories of higher risk:

1. Make finding a good local new moms group, like mine, a priority for yourself before the baby arrives.  Good social support is ESSENTIAL as a new mom.  You will need to know that you aren't alone, that you (and your worries) are normal and that many new moms share your fears, wants and concerns.  . 
2. Consider hiring a postpartum doula.  They have the distance and the expertise to recognize problems before they arise.  Postpartum doulas are trained in, among other things, recognizing signs that mom gives...whether spoken or unspoken.  Postpartum doulas aren't counselors but they can refer out to a qualified professional.
3. Speak up.  If something is upsetting to you, talk with your partner, friend or another trusted mom about it.  If you need something, ask for it.  Too many of us suffer in silence, or just as damaging resentment, when it would be better for our physical and emotional health just to talk about it.

A postpartum mood disorder isn't a life sentence or something to be ashamed of.  Let's keep the conversation going so we can all stay better informed and in doing so, be better advocates.

A season for giving

Most new moms I know have some decent support for the first few weeks, perhaps, even a month, after the new baby arrives.  This is wonderful of course. But at his often crazy but still wonderful time of the year, it seems like a good idea to remind all of us that new parents need support for as much of the fourth trimester as they can get.

The Triangle, where I live, is an area with many transplants, lucky as we are to have two internationally known universities and also Research Triangle Park.  What this often translates too, however, is a large number of people without families close by.  And while family doesn't always equal support, as some of us might know, it can...especially when they're a cute little baby arriving on the scene.  But family might not equal support if the new mom is traditionally the one who has been the giver of support.  I've seen this a lot recently.  New moms hosting family dinners, visiting family or taking charge of the holiday preparations.  This is often what we women do of course...because if we don't, who else will?

But perhaps instead of those new moms stepping up, we women whose babies aren't newborns anymore or maybe those women who don't have any babies at all, can step up instead. I feel like the reason for the season isn't Jesus (which seems exclusionary if you aren't a believer!) but giving instead.  Isn't that something we can all agree on?  The gift of giving.  And maybe you, like me, believe that women need to support each other more.  If so, then let's tackle this together...starting with new moms. Below are 3 ideas that you can do to help a new mom, at this time of year and beyond.

1. Drop off a cooked dish. Think veggie lasagna, tamale pie, a bowl of cut-up fruit or Slow Cooker Lentil Soup. Need ideas? Visit Catherine over at Weelicious for easy, family friendly ideas. Make it, cover it, drop it off. Doesn't need to be fancy, just edible and ideally a bit healthy to help those recovering moms heal as well as they can. Also key, the words "drop off". Do not linger. Visit another time. Let the new mom not have to feel like she needs to "host" or entertain you because you're giving her food. This is crucial.

2. Offer to watch the older child or the dog for a bit. This can mean playing with the child in the comfort of her own house or walking the dog around the block. As a post-partum doula, these are two activities that I tackle often with my clients. This comes under the header of "seriously useful hands-on help"! Another idea: you pick up the child and head to the local playground. Bring the child to your house to play with your child. Let mom be mom with just one child to worry about..even for only an hour. Every little bit helps.

3. Run an errand. Pick up groceries. Drop off clothes at dry cleaners. Pick up clothes at the dry cleaners. Get stamps. Mail a package. Get gas for the car. Get the car's oil changed. Return a gift. Pick up a book at the library. Return her books to the library. Drop off flowers. Stop by Buy Buy Baby for more diapes (although Amazon's diaper autoship is still my go-to idea for simplicity and ease.). You get the idea. Offer to do one of these and if the new mom seems less than thrilled, ask her what would be helpful.

What would you add to this list?  Leave me a comment below.

Happy holidays everyone!