Itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny...scraps of power

Scraps of relatively inexpensive nylon held together with strings, elastic or knots aka a bathing suit. It's almost comical how they can affect our sense of self-confidence, aren't they? But for all the hype about bathing suits, they really are only fabric, not oracles of truth. As I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone (do something scary everyday!), I readdressed the power of a bathing suit recently. 

I put on the first of my four suitcased bathing suits on a few Fridays ago as we headed to the beach. I hadn't worn it all summer. As soon as I put it on, I remembered why. Not only did the tankini not fit well but, as usual when I wear clothes that are not fitted or have too much fabric, I felt like I weighed 500 pounds. Later in the day, I looked down and saw my right breast casually lingering outside the tankini top. I can't imagine that it had been that way for long. My daughter can't ignore an exposed breast and would have shouted "milkie, milkie!" loudly. I resolved to do better on Saturday.

The next day I chose my two piece which had hints of lime green, aqua and yellow in it and we headed back to the beach. It was another suit I hadn't worn all summer but one that I liked. It was cooler than Friday but throughout the morning I noticed how much more comfortable I felt in this suit than I had in the one yesterday. It was much better fitted; that was the main reason. I had my husband snap a few pictures:

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I like the third one best; it's the one that I wasn't ready for.

As I reflected on these pictures and how I felt wearing that bikini, I realized that bathing suits should be like any other article of clothing. Somehow because there is less to a bathing suit and more of our body being shown, we elevate a bathing suit in status beyond it's deserved place as equal in rank to a coat, pants or a sweater. It's just an accessory, not an article that gives or takes away power. The only power a bathing suit should have is to support your beautiful body.

 My mother always liked the actress Frances McDormand and when I heard an excerpt from an interview with Ms. McDormand played last week on All Things Considered I thought again of bathing suits...and my mother. McDormand, age 59, said, "I need to represent publicly what I've chosen to represent privately: a woman who is proud and more powerful than I was when I was younger. I think that I carry that pride and power in my face and in my body." 

My mother wouldn't have been able to muster such a statement like this herself, although the many younger teachers and administrators that she mentored say that my mom was powerful. I agree but my mom didn't think of herself that way. That's a crucial difference. And while I'm 42, not 61 as my mom was when she died or 59 like McDormand, I want to take this on. As women get older, we can get way more powerful. But it doesn't come without work: imagining ourselves as powerful, then speaking up and taking power.

We get more powerful every time we wear a bathing suit that we don't look model perfect in. That's us taking power away from a culture that encourages women to hate their bodies. We get more powerful when we speak out against something racist, sexist, homophobic. That's us taking power away from zealots who espouse hate. We get more powerful when we claim "beautiful" instead of the more socially acceptable, "cute". That's us taking power away from the marketers who appoint themselves the ones to set standards of beauty.

Seeing yourself as powerful is the difference between allowing the bathing suit to define you or the other way around. And when you see yourself as powerful, confidence is your co-pilot in all the decisions you make. Who among us doesn't need that?

Need a little more power in your pocket? Join me starting October 20 for The Pandora Passport. We'll talk power, passions, values and getting you where you want to go.

How to Look Good in a Bathing Suit

The woman at the gym was at least 10 years younger than I. She was tall and thin and wore two pairs of shorts: a spandex kind and a running type. I hadn't noticed it at first but she was tugging on the spandex as she climbed onto the treadmill. Her legs were as beautiful as she was but that wasn't enough.

A woman came into Smitten a few Sundays ago and told me she'd gained 35 pounds after she quit smoking. She was in her mid 60's with dark, expressive eyes and fabulous hair. In spite of her "larger" size, she was beautiful. But she hated her body.  And even though everything she tried on looked good on her, it wasn't enough.

I had never worn running shorts, even in the summer, until six years ago when the guy I was dating at the time asked why I didn't. I told him that I didn't think my legs were good enough and he looked at me like I was crazy. I don't remember his words but I walked away from the conversation and bought my first pair of running shorts. 

I marvel at my daughter's body. Since she's often naked, I can really see what her body looks like, lots of softness and round lines, no hard muscles. But she doesn't mind, of course. She's happy to be walking around without clothes on. With her toddler belly rolling like Santa's at Christmas, she has no idea that in all likelihood she will learn to hate her body like most women.

- art by Feminist Lisa Frank http://feministlisafrank.tumblr.com

Who do we think we are that we can get away with hating our bodies the way that we do? They keep going even though we don't feed them well, disparage them in public (and private) or deliberately hurt them. Our bodies get us to work, the hospital and the vet. For many of us, they give us independence, the ability to walk away when something goes bad. And yet women know that because their body fails to live up the an idealized image of beauty that we didn't create, it is permissible to hate.

Who are we if we hate a piece of ourselves? Certainly not the confident, capable women we want to be. Self-confidence cannot exist alongside hate for a part of ourself. I say "no" to that hate. You are enough right now. With my no-longer-perky breasts and soft stomach, I am enough. My legs aren't perfect but they are strong. They get me where I need to go and carry my daughter when she's tired. I will keep wearing those running shorts.

Your body will never be the idealized version of perfect that so many of us covet. But you are perfect with all your imperfections, just the way you are now. So walk around the house in a bathing suit for a week before you decide to wear one to the beach. Do what you need to do (and that's a good first start) but this swimsuit season, let's step into our own power and speak a message of self-love, not hate. Heck, it's the least we can do.

How to Create a Life

A few days ago, a male Facebook friend posted that he had done "the impossible". What feat of nature did he accomplish, you might ask a bit breathless with anticipation? Well, I'll tell you. He is now weighs over 200 pounds. There was no goal met. Friends reactions ranged from laughter to confusion. But what I didn't hear was what really stood out: any shaming.

Can you imagine if you posted something like that on your page? Likely you wouldn't even do it as a dare. As women we know our weight is no laughing matter. And likely even your kids know that if women are talking about their weight, they're likely talking about gain not with an aura of jocular accomplishment but in tones of embarrassment or self-loathing. Women are well aware that they are defined in no small part by their body image.

Even if it might be pretty, it's still a box.

Everywhere we choose to look, we see the double standard that exists for us as women. (That double standard usually becomes even more impossible when race is factored in.) It's okay for Chad to use Facebook as an ass-backwards way of bragging about his weight gain but not okay if you or I do it. Your husband's company loyalty is much less likely to be questioned when he takes paternity leave than yours is. Women still make about 76 cents for $1 a man makes. 

What those double standards look like in real life are boxes. And not the cool ones that contain keys to a new car. Women are placed in little, neat boxes in our society, sometimes as a way to understand us, yes, but more often than not as a way to keep us small, contained, managed. The worst kind of boxes are abusive ones where women are threatened or stalked as female gamer Brianna Wu has been. Wu, founder of Giant SpaceKat, an iOS gaming studio spoke out against the online trolls that attacked her female gaming friends. Then the trolls turned on her...with horrible, graphic death threats. Dr. Danielle Citron explains in a recent INC magazine article about Wu, "the whole point of this abuse is to put someone in a box that is destructive, to call into question their integrity, to demean them...and fundamentally distort who she is." Most of our boxes aren't quite so violent but they can still distort who we are. 

How do we get out of this?

One step at a time.

The first step might be an awakening realization on exactly how problematic and impossible it is to feel happiness and success when confined to a box you didn't design yourself. Those of you who work full-time because your family needs your salary when you'd rather work a schedule that allows you more flexibility might be in this spot. Your life feels cramped, your time and energy are short. You feel guilty and nowhere close to successful.

Another first step might be exploring outside the (body image, mom, employee, wife, sister) box. Deciding to step down to part-time, working with a coach to build confidence to make a change and doing some research on starting your own gig are all examples of exploring outside the box. Those in explorer mode may be unsure but are usually excited at the prospective of change. 

No house is a home unless it is lived in, loved and feels safe. No box is a life unless it's one you've designed yourself. And those double standards? They'll likely still exist even when you step out of your box. But what is gone is the power of the double standard to make you feel less than. When we get out of the boxes we're placed in (as much as we can because we can't escape every double standard, only the ones we take part in) we step into freedom. When we use our voice, we allow others to do the same. We step into a chance to make a difference by claiming our own power. 

What box feels stifling to you right now? What double standard makes you cringe? Leave me a  comment below. Thank you for reading!

"Dark Side of the Full Moon" - film + discussion

On Friday night, I headed to Cary to see Dark Side of the Full Moon, a new documentary produced by two moms about postpartum mood disorders. Local new mom resources, Postpartum Education and Support offered the film as a fundraiser and a post-film discussion panel which was moderated by yours truly. 

First, a few thoughts on the film itself. I was sent the a link to see the whole film before Friday night. I'm glad I did. Dark Side can be shocking in points, even to someone who didn't suffer from a postpartum mood disorder. Interspersed in the film are past news stories about moms like Andrea Yates and Cynthia Wachenheim who had either killed their children and/or killed themselves. As one member of the audience pointed out during the panel, these news stories are problematic because they exclusively portray postpartum psychosis which is at the other end of the postpartum mood disorder spectrum. Postpartum psychosis only affects about 1 in 1000 women, about 1%. Postpartum depression or anxiety however is much more common, affecting 15-20% of women. In spite of this (and the sometimes overly dramatic "is this really how it is?" refrain that Maureen and Jennifer often utter incredulously) Dark Side of the Full Moon offers an authentic exploration of the number one complication of childbirth that no one really wants to own. It's well worth seeing.

As good, if not better than the movie, was the discussion panel after the movie. Yes, I moderated it but I was truly blown away by both the honesty of the panelists as well as the insightful audience questions. We had an OB/GYN, the former medical director of the UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic now in private practice, a physicatric physician assistant and new mom, a mom ppd survivor and a clinical social worker who facilitated a postpartum support group for twenty years. They were an impressive group. Not just because of titles and experience but mainly because of their honesty. The audience heard about ER docs who didn't know about UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic 6-8 months after it had opened. We learned about pediatricians who follow more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with new moms even though we all know a new mom's mental health has an impact on a baby's success. One panelist admires the centering pregnancy model and wishes that was more prevalent in our area as a way to build community, support and trust into prenatal care. Audience members worried about socio-economic gaps for new moms, as many of the moms featured in the movie were employed and in better financial shape than poor moms, "what's being done for them?" she asked. (Socio economic status is a risk factor for postpartum depression.) Collectively, we talked about the bar being raised so high for new moms and how that can exacerbate the isolation and loneliness that new moms can feel.

Perhaps the best question of the night, however, came when an audience member asked panelists if they were to wave a magic wand to help fix some of these issues, what would they choose to do? One panelist thought separating OBs from GYNs would be a good idea. Paid maternity leave was suggested, by the sole male panelist. "Being the main breadwinner exacerbated my symptoms," one woman said. Another panelist wished for communities to rally around each other and neighbors to get involved and check in on new moms, families. More training and interaction between OBs and psychiatrists was also suggested. 

It was a remarkable evening. But if you did miss out on this showing and you'd like still like to see the film, there is a screening coming up May 1 in Chapel Hill. Head here for details on that and other showings nationwide.