Your Custom Text Here
You aren't the same. I'm not either. And neither is the person who hasn't said out loud that they was abused. None of us will ever be the same. That's okay.
Trauma changes us. And while we can't change the past, we can change what we do today. And tomorrow. And the next day. That's a simple way to focus on the future: look in that direction.
Concentrate on that.
Don't look back. You're not going there.
A recent piece on Romper got me incensed. The author, Fiona Tapp, had given some thought to the "breast is best" mantra. Given the backlash she'd experienced, Tapp considered the facts behind "breast is best". In the end, she decided that saying "breast is best" is "perfectly OK". Tapp proceeded to offer 9 reasons to support her conclusion.
It's been a while since I have tackled this topic on the blog. But I talk about it often so it feels like a good time to revisit why I hate, yes hate, this term. Here are 11 reasons why "breast is best" makes you wrong.
1) Baby cared for and protected is more important than what baby is fed. Need science on that? Look at the ACE Study (here or here) or any other research on the affects of early childhood trauma and neglect. An especially good resource is Dr Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk. That's here.
2) Let's get this out of the way. Yes, formula is manufactured. And it's also medically necessary for many babies. Formula may be* the only option for babies who have a congenital deformation, some forms of hypoglycemia or babies who have lost too much weight. It's not common but some babies are actually lactose intolerant so they must formula. Medically necessary or not, babies need to be fed. If that's confusing, see #1 above.
3) 1 in 3-4 women will be survivors of sexual abuse in their lifetime. Some sexual abuse survivors are not willing or able to breastfeed. Feeding on demand, even in the middle of the night, and often in bed can be triggering for a survivor of abuse whose body has been controlled by someone other than herself.
4) Low income moms are at a double disadvantage with breastfeeding. A) They are more likely to work low wage jobs which don't leave money for breastfeeding supplies. Supplies (from nipple shields to single use bags to a dependable pump) can be expensive! B) Poor moms are also more limited in childcare options. They may need to rely on an unethusiastic caregiver who isn't knowledgable about breastfeeding because of affordability or access issues.
5) Not all parents have breasts! The breast cancer survivor, two dads, foster parents or adoptive parents may not have breasts or be able to lactate.
6) Some moms cannot breastfeed, no matter desire, it's just not happening. This is something that I have heard for years. But last week I reached out to a Facebook group and asked about it. One woman, “Laura”, shared this ---------->
7) Breastfeeding isn't "natural" or "intuitive; it is learned. For topics that aren't covered in school (breastfeeding, healthy relationships), we rely others' experiences. Breastfeeding may remain a mystery if mom, sister or friend didn't do it. Support from an breastfeeding professional can be expensive and time-consuming.
8) Speaking of which...breastfeeding can save money but it can cost money. Time away from your work, even to breastfeed, generally means time you are not paid for. The United States is the only industrialized country without paid family leave. I asked a group of women how long they took off from work after their first baby. 90% of women said that they went back before they wanted to.
9) BF can also be scary for women who have struggled with body image issues. Here's how Fearless Formula Feeder Suzanne Barston describes it in her book, Bottled Up., having swollen, enormous leaking breasts was not only physically uncomfortable; it brought back every dark thought, every weird insecurity from a ten-year struggle with anorexia." (92)
10) Every day 3 women are murdered by their boyfriend or partner. These women usually aren't safe in their own homes. An unsupportive / abusive partner can see time with baby as time away from them. Formula feeding can stave off abuse, distract and/or get help around baby.
11) Some moms don't want to breastfeed. It doesn't matter why. Leave them alone already. Unless their baby is in imminent danger, just walk away from your judgment of their life.
Bottom line: Breastfeeding is a privilege. Some of us are more privileged than others. Until we right the wrongs mentioned above and add:
milk sharing programs;
donor milk programs that are actually free;
access and education for all families who want to breastfeed;
paid leave;
and so much more, breastfeeding will remain a privilege.
Slogans like "Breast Is Best" make us wrong but maybe that doesn't bother us. But what should bother us is the marginalization and isolation of new parents. BIB comes out after the presents are open and the freezer full of food is empty. It's bandied around at a time when some some moms don't have a moment to themselves to shower. When the partner has gone back to work and mom is alone for at home with a crying baby. When new parent policy is more endangered than ever, we need to strengthen the ties that bind us, not encourage further divisiveness.
We’re better than this.
*I say "may be" here because expressed milk can be an option. Milk banks are banks, however, and are usually too expensive to be sustainable long-term for even the most resourced families.
Last teaser before Relationship Red Flags: 10 True Secrets You Need To Know Before Dating comes out next week!
"Chereyl Jackson" left her abusive partner, the father of her three year old twins, almost a year ago. She did the "right thing". So why isn't she finally free?
One of the most disheartening aspects of being a domestic violence survivor is that it can be hard to move on, even if you left your abusive partner months or years ago. Abusers are like piranhas; once they sink their teeth in, they don't let go easily. This is especially true if there are children involved in the relationship because, like most other parents, survivors who are not abusive to their children usually want the best for them. They often hope their kids will see the abusive parent in a positive light. They won't name-call or share past history.
While the survivor mom offer chances for the abuser to show up as a good parent, abusers are not usually willing to cooperate with their former partner. They tend to think of their former partner as unworthy of them and when they do speak of her/hime, it is usually to blame or disparage. Everything is all about the abuser. They have been wronged. They deserve better. They are the ones making sacrifices. Perhaps the saddest facet of any domestic violence situation involving children is that the abuser, in spite of having great kid(s), shows little desire to change.
Chereyl Jackson wants to do right by her children, but that can be hard when her children are used as pawns by her abuser. (Abusers know that common children are one of the best ways to keep a survivor tethered.) But Chereyl has learned is something that is saving her sanity and allowing her to keep good boundaries with her abuser: you can't co-parent with an abusive ex-partner.
In Rising Strong, Brene Brown asks, "can you be kind and respectful to your friend if they are hurting you?" (127). Her answer is "no". You cannot be kind or respectful to anyone who is hurting you, even if they are the father (or mother) of your child. And respect is at the foundation of co-parenting. Co-parenting is about working together for the greater good of the child, and working together involves respect and cooperation. No matter how hard the survivor might work to co-parent, an abuser won’t ever get there because they are more concerned with themselves than working together to raise their child. In every way, then, co-parenting then is impossible with an abuser.
So what do you do if you can't co-parent with an abuser?
The path ahead...
The first thing you must do is accept the fact that you cannot co-parent with your abusive ex-partner as a universal truth. It may help to remember that there is an inherent give and take when you work or live with someone ;that kind of collaboration is absent in abusive relationships. Someone using power and control over someone else allows abuse to exist. A child being used as a point of leverage by their dad for greater control over their mom is abusive. There is sadness in accepting this knowledge because it is a loss. Taking time for grief, a lot or a little (whichever feels right) is essential.
The second step is to avoid negotiation with an abuser. So unless there is a clear safety issue, accept that there likely won’t be adherence to mutually established rules. Your ex wants to baptize your child for no good reason? Let him. He wants to post pictures of the kids on social media even though you'd both agreed not to? Let him. Engaging in a dialogue about his parenting vs. yours is a futile attempt in negotiation that won't ever end in compromise. Unfortunately, negotiating with an abuser does nothing except strengthen the ties between the two of you. And that's usually exactly what the abuser wants.
Chereyl is free, but not in the way that you might think. She's free to make her own parenting choices knowing that her ex-partner might undermine them. But Chereyl is healthier, and better off parenting alone than she is tethered to an abuser that won’t ever respectfully allow her to parent.
Durham North Carolina USA
