Silence is a racket

I saw a drawing on Glennon Doyle's Instagram last week about ignoring offensive things on the internet. Many followers liked it but there were a few comments, mine included, which challenged the idea. Much as I appreciate Glennon's work, I can't get behind encouraging women to silence themselves more than they already do.

You don't want to make waves. I get it. It's hard for me too, to challenge something I see or hear, even if it is online or anonymous. But when you ignore the personal attack against you on Twitter, the rude remark on your Instagram photo, or someone's ignorant statement on Facebook, your silence costs you. Silencing yourself is a racket, an expensive one, because it costs you more long-term than any gain in the moment. It costs you 1) emotional energy and 2) precious time because while you can choose a behavior, you can't choose a feeling. And if you choose to stuff your initial feeling, you're forcing your mind and body to backtrack from its gut response. That's a lot of work i.e. energy and time.

My take on the post I saw.

There are costs if you silence yourself but there's opportunity when you don't: speaking up for what's right. So often that boils down to your own humanity (or someone else's), the right to be treated with kindness and respect. It's not "being the bigger person" to ignore something offensive/ignorant and it's not about eliminating people from your life who disagree with you. It's about eliminating a damaging attitude of hate and snark that don't represent the kind of person you are, want to be or want in your world. Disagreement is healthy. Conflict is inevitable. Hate, snark, rudeness, ignorance is abuse. And you don't deserve that.

And of course there will be women because of who they are (they are a woman of color or identify as queer or an abuse survivor or are larger than the "perfect" size, etc.) and just by being themselves "out" in the world that it may not feel safe to speak up as often as they'd like. That's okay too. Being able to speak up and out is a privilege and sadly, some of us have this "right" more than others do.

If it feels safe enough: don't accommodate hate. That's what you're doing when you ignore someone else's meanness or cruelty. Unfriend, block, report. No one I know has extra time or emotional energy to throw around. You're juggling multiple commitments (perhaps even multiple children), managing a household and you don't have as much space in your day for your own needs...whatever it is they are. Maybe you even feel stuck. You have even less energy and time then. Make a decision today in favor of you and your well-being to speak out against offensive, instead of making room in your life for inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

Case Study: Susan sets a boundary

"Susan" (a pseudonym) is a freelance, non-profit consultant who took on a friend as a client. She liked the friend's organization a lot, knew that she could give them a good price and serious value for their investment. The project was initially smaller in scope but that shifted over the course of their months together. When it became evident to Susan that she was investing more time than she'd planned and was having to back-burner a larger, more exciting (and better paying) client, Susan decided she needed to ask for help. From me...because fortunately she's my client! Here's what we worked on:

Could Susan address the expansion of the scope of the work, feel in integrity with herself and keep the friendship?

Yes! Here's how:

1. I advised Susan to set up a time to talk to her client friend in person. A difficult conversation, yes, but it shows that she values and respects the friendship and the partnership so it's essential.

2. Susan decided to be honest and tell the friend what they both knew: the project has become bigger than was initially projected and because of this, Susan was having some conflicts with other planned clients.

3. Working together, we estimated that Susan could give that client 10 hours of work a week until December 1 and then would be off the project. We decided this was realistic for Susan without feeling like too much of a stretch.

4. Susan also offered to refer her to a colleague who could take over the unfinished work, if the offered time wasn't sufficient for her client friend.

5. Finally, Susan told the friend that she valued the friendship too much to continue to try and commit to a project that she didn't feel she could give 100% any longer.

What happened next:

At our next session, Susan told me that the friend had taken the news very well and decided to take her up on the offer of a referral to someone else. Turns out that other person had a skill set that Susan didn't which would have been needed on the expanded version of the project. The situation ended up being a win/win for everyone involved. Best of all, Susan and the friend are still friends.

Lessons:

• A spoken "no" often allows space for someone else to reply with an excited "yes!"

• Taking on a friend as a client usually comes at a cost, even if "just" in hard conversations and emotional energy.

• Setting better boundaries shows self-respect and generates respect.

Where do you need to set a boundary in your own life? Thank you for reading.

"All the cool kids do it!"

Does this sound familiar? 

"I love your haircut!" says one woman to her friend.

"I love your dress!" says the friend right back.

It can feel completely natural to compliment someone after they give you a compliment. Share the love, take care of everyone else and all that, right? In fact, in my experience, it often feels uncomfortable not to compliment the giver. Someone says that they love your new glasses and how are you supposed to reply, if not with a compliment to them?!

How about accepting compliments like kids do, with a "thank you!" and a big smile. It's more than the good manners your parents taught you; it's a simple, small confidence-building opportunity. Here's why:

Confidence can come with big wins (an unexpected promotion, new client, accepted proposal) but that kind of confidence is not only unpredictable but relies on someone else to take action. That's chance, not a reliable way to build confidence. Instead, confidence comes from the small moments: putting your cell phone in the glovebox, ditching bad habits, taking quiet breaks, using your gut instinct. Accepting compliments is another small, confidence-building opportunity.

We could stand to live our lives a little more like kids do: open, honest and with genuine authenticity. This is one way to bring a little of that kid stuff into your life. Thanks for reading.

PS. This great piece via Upworthy talks about complements that aren't appearance-inspired. Very cool.

Your can of tuna

A golden can of tuna, a tangerine notebook, a pair of pink sneakers and a teal desk.

What do these four things have in common? 

Each can be a motivator for personal change. The objects themselves aren't necessarily special. In fact, they are pretty ordinary. So, how can they motivate personal change? Color.

Shiny, right? Oooooh.

I've been trying to eat more protein recently. But there's something about the process of getting to the tuna salad that always feels like too much work so I usually skip it at the store. Getting an car opener, opening the can, mixing it up, rinsing the can, refrigerating the end result, etc. Argh, too many steps! {If you're reading this and think, "Wow, lazy," I completely hear you but stay with me for a minute.} A can of Bumblebee tuna with a shiny golden label caught my eye last week. It wasn't a new brand and likely wouldn't even taste different but it's color made it stand out. I grabbed it and decided to try. Half-expecting the can to contain some treasure other than tuna, I opened it when I got home. Of course there was nothing but tuna inside but somehow it tasted delicious. I've been steadily making tuna since.

My tangerine Moleskin notebook motivates me to use it for lists, add to-do's, jot down quotes I like, future ideas, anything, everything. Exactly as it should. A client who has never been a fan of exercise bought a luscious pair of hot pink sneakers and has been at the gym ever since. A teal desk at TROSA caught my eye a few weeks ago. It wasn't even in good shape but it was so beautiful that I knew I would sit at it to write if only I had it. 

Colors, like scent, can elicit strong personal feelings for us. It can motivate, inspire, embolden, excite, pique our curiosity or...shut it down. And of course color doesn't only bring out the best in you; it can also work the opposite way. The dark red boxes of truffles that Whole Foods stacks in tempting towers around the holidays, for example, can rocket us to a sugar high for an entire afternoon. That's unhealthy personal change. But in and of itself, color can be a very powerful tool to motivate positive personal change. 

In what area of your life do you need extra motivation? Think for a moment. Then imagine what color-related change might get you moving. Stuck? Email me (outsidethemombox AT gmail DOT com), leave a comment below or on my Facebook page if you need some ideas. Thanks for reading.