{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Book Review: The Vital Touch by Sharon Heller

"This book is about the continuous battle between our genes and our culture," so begins Dr. Sharon Heller in the introduction of _The Vital Touch_. And with that lead-in you can only guess where things go from there! _The Vital Touch_ was required reading for my DONA-approved post-partum doula training so I read it when my daughter was about five months old. While the book spends plenty of time on newborns, it is an appropriate (and I would say, important) read for anyone with a baby under 1 year. Disclaimer: _The Vital Touch_is almost 20 years old and while I would normally steer clear of recommending older resources, I feel very strongly that the knowledge it contains is both relevant and crucial for new parents to access.

As the title would tell you, Heller offers plenty of evidence in support of being physically and emotionally engaged with your baby.  But one of the strongest aspects of the book I think is in her comparison with how the US compares with other countries in terms of how we care and respond to babies. For example: Heller tells us that American babies are among the least held babies in the world. Knowing how the US ranks in terms of infant mortality, I think this statistic, while almost twenty years old, is likely still true, sadly. With stories, facts and figures, Heller gently prompts us to look closely at what is lost when babies needs are ignored or attended to in less a way than they should be. Frankly, it is fascinating. 

And there's no easy answer here. As I've said before here and here, here too is that we need to redirect fault away from mom and toward a society which doesn't set new moms up with the tools that we need for success when our baby is born. That's a problem. I believe that most moms make decisions that they believe are best for their child. So while Heller addresses many of the issues that I've discussed before in terms of the culture of absence that new moms are born into, there isn't the same call to action that Katrina Alcorn offers readers in _Maxed Out_. I'm okay with this, however, because: 1) Heller's strength is really that of an anthropologist and educator and she does such an outstanding job in these areas and 2) in 1997, there just wasn't a concerted effort or public urgency around organizing for societal change for moms that we see today. 

_The Vital Touch_is a truly must-read for any new parent. But it feels especially relevant for new parents who are curious about child development in their baby. Heller is accessible, compassionate and curious...all of which make _The Vital Touch_not only an engaging but a relatively easy one too.

Is there a book that you are curious about that you'd like me to review? Leave me a comment below.

Update: I did email Dr. Heller and ask if she planned to do an updated version of The Vital Touch and she wrote back with this: "no updated version. Publishers don't do this unless books sell volumes and unfortunately this one hasn't. But thanks for reaching out & for your support!" Never hurts to ask. :-)

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Why is it so darn hard to feel like a good #mom?

Do you hear from others that you are a good mom and sometimes have a hard time believing them? I did, especially in those very early days when my daughter was in those single digits. Intellectually I believed what the person was saying; I knew that they weren't lying or trying to placate me. But emotionally, I felt like I sometimes was failing Elisabeth. Because of that belief (even if it was occasional), I found it hard to believe that I was a good mom.  Here are a few examples of moments that made it hard for me to feel like a good mom:

1. I'd share a story of a recent baby challenge with one of my sisters or a friend and ask, “did _____ ever do anything like that?” and they'd answer “No.” Argh! "Is it just me?", I would wonder.
2. Elisabeth was growing so quickly and in so many different ways that reading her “cues”, following her lead or knowing how to best stimulate her learning felt impossible sometimes. And then I felt foolish or stupid.
3. Given the choice of a shower or breakfast, I always opted for the shower even though I knew that I should eat. 
4. My husband has a billion songs from childhood that he remembers very easily. Me? Not one. For months I didn't sing "you are my sunshine," (one of the only songs I know) because it felt too depressing. "What kind of mom isn't singing to her baby?" I'd think.
5. Elisabeth was ten months before I took her to story time at the library. But everyone seemed like they'd been going for years...judging by how well they knew the finger plays!

There's more of course. Society pushes women so much toward an impossible double standard that it can be hard to feel like a success at anything! But putting even that aside as much as I can, I've learned two things that have made me feel calmer and more confident about the kind of mom I am:

Elisabeth at seven months

1. Support from other moms is essential. I started going to Paula's new moms groups because I wanted the support and community around a new baby but quickly found I was running the group! That was wonderful but didn't answer my need for support. So, I started connecting to newer moms in my community through local list serves as well as reaching out to moms from my childbirth class. Those actions helped me feel less alone and also provided support and encouragement about my parenting. When one mom said she thought Elisabeth was "brave, open to new experiences," I felt like I had won the lottery! If she was seen as brave at seven months, I must be doing something right.
2. Time away from baby gives great perspective. I started working two afternoons a week when Elisabeth was five months. It was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I was desperate for adult company, to have a little money coming in but didn't want to feel stressed by my work. Working part-time in retail fit the bill...along with being pretty and fun too! The time at work freed up my mind too. I started to imagine what kind of work I wanted to do and eventually started planning Outside The Mom Box. I came back to my family refreshed and energized with a new perspective on the parenting that I was doing and what I wanted to be more cognizant of in the future.

Today, I don't think much about whether or not I'm a good mom: I know I am. I may periodically miss signs that Elisabeth is giving me or waited a while to schedule her first dentist appointment (whoops!) but I'm less inclined to evaluate my parenting based on what I haven't done. 

Thanks as always for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it by clicking the little "share" icon below, located just to the right of the heart. 

March's new mom group conversation

The second Saturday of the month is my support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Starting this month, my goal is to write a follow-up blog post featuring some of the highlights of our conversation. This month we discussed "developing a routine with a new baby". We talked challenges, the impact of our shifting identity (from "me" to "we") on a routine, the must-know's or need to accepts and some solutions.

We isolated the very clear challenges with developing a new routine. Those included: the basic issue of having to bring another human being along with you who can't support himself, stand by herself, feed or change himself. That's A LOT in and of itself!  We acknowledged that because "the answer changes all the time," it can be hard to plan time to do _____ or count on having dinner at 7:30 pm each night. The fact that there is such a substantial learning curve with having a new baby complicates every decision, let alone when we might have time to exercise, for example. An employer expects it to take a while for a new employee to learn the ropes of a new job. Moms don't get any such concession with a baby; they are thrust right into the thick of it! The bar is set very high with often little time and few resources or support.

Routines, we acknowledged, are safe. They are safe because we know what we can expect and count on. So when we don't have a routine, life can feel unpredictable and scary. So they are important, We talked about how developing a new routine was essential. Wearing our new "mom" hat instead of our old, familiar "(insert your name here)" hat would ground that new routine. Ideally with this "mom" hat on, we will start to accept realities like "it's not the end of the world if dinner doesn't happen at 7:30 each night." whereas before that might not have felt like an option. Wearing our "mom" hat will hopefully allow us to sink into that new identity and perhaps get used to asking for help more often, for example.

Some "need-to-know's" that we came up with were:

• Our time is just more limited. Even the smallest tasks will take much longer.
• "It" won't be like "this" forever but it will be for a while. So reframing can allow us to accept a different kind of meaning for "routine".
• We will never be able to get it all done. There will always be something to do.

A few solutions:

• Creating "anchor" tasks to help offset the frazzle.  Examples: shower every day, use a meal planning service (this one was recommended) , exercise certain days of the week not 5 days perhaps but maybe 2-3.
• Limit the number of "yeses" that we agree to. Some things are just not realistic any longer. And that's okay.  It's temporary and it's okay.
• Watch our use of "should". "Should" often carries obligation or guilt with it and we don't need any more of that!
• Be kinder to ourselves. Letting go of what people think or what "should" be happening.
• Find a community of support. Whether that is a group of moms like this one, new moms in your neighborhood or a LLL group, it's essential to be connected to other moms who are in a similar place.
• Ask for help more. People want to help. Whether that mean someone else lifting our baggage into an overhead bin as we settle into a plane with baby or "just" taking someone up on their offer to walk the dog, accepting help more often will take the pressure off us while making someone else feel good for doing good.  A win-win!
• Self-care.  Let's get more of that in there. Exercise, time away from baby, a massage perhaps! Make sure we are taking good care of ourselves.

I hope this summary is helpful for a new mom who may be interested in attending and as a refresher for those who did attend. Our April topic is: travel with baby.

Dear reader, what would you add?  Or is there something that you wished was discussed?  Leave a comment below.  

If you liked this post, would you click the heart below?  Thank you!  And if you really liked and want to hear more, I hope you will subscribe here or join us next month.

Touring The Birth Place at Duke Regional Hospital - Part I

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to tour The Birth Place at Duke Regional Hospital.  Part of the requirement for my Lamaze Childbirth Educator program that I took through Duke AHEC was the completion of an education session and tour of a local hospital and since I delivered at Duke Hospital, I wasn't familiar with Duke Regional.  Imagine it: me and...25 other very pregnant couples. Between me not being pregnant and the fact that I asked a million questions, I stood out like a sore thumb!  But all in the name of offering good information to you, dear friend! So much that I'm going to divide this up into two posts.  This first one will deal with what happens up until you deliver your baby.  The next one will discuss what happens immediately after baby is born.

• If you think you're in labor, call your doctor/midwife/birth doula. They can help you figure out if you should go to the hospital or labor at home a bit longer.  If it is decided that you should head to the hospital, tell your doctor if you want a room with a bath.  There are 4 rooms with baths (the others have showers) at Duke Regional and they can fill quickly.  
• When you're on your way: head to the Emergency Room entrance.  Don't worry about parking.  You can leave your car there if need be and move it later.
• Once you're at the hospital, you likely will have a few things happen pretty quickly:
  • Cervical check.  Unfortunately, this seems pretty standard although it is not necessarily best practice.
  • An IV will be started and blood will be drawn.  We were told both steps were precautionary , in case you decide to do an epidural later was one reason given).  
  • You would also be hooked up to two monitors for a minimum of 20 minutes, to monitor contractions and also the baby's heartbeat.
• After this point, things can go in different directions-  
  • You might have continuous monitoring if there are risk factors present (vague I know but that's between you and your doc) or if there are medications involved.
  • Or you might have intermittent monitoring which would be every 30 minutes if you aren't pushing or every 10-15 minutes while pushing.
  • You might also be offered an IV pain narcotic such as Fentanyl or Stadol.
  • You might also see the anesthesiologist who will talk to you about an epidural.  Once that decision is made and after your blood tests come back, you can count on about 60 min from start to finish for this medical procedure.
• If you are having a C-section-
  • You will be given a spinal which will numb you from the neck down but you will be awake. If you have an emergency C-section (unplanned), you may need to be out completely but that isn't the norm.
  • It takes about 20 minutes to deliver your baby.  
  • Baby will go to the nursery for about 20 minutes then be returned to you.
• Duke Regional Hospital basics:
  • Labor and delivery rooms are private, small and some, as noted above, have tubs.  The others have showers.  Beds are adjustable. Lighting can be adjusted.  You can bring your own bedding, if you'd like. They have birth balls on hand.  Movement is encouraged.
  • Food tends to be limited in labor and while in the ed session we were told food would be available from the hospital cafeteria after delivery, I have also been told the opposite.  I would advise bringing your own food and snacks if possible.  Or having someone, other than partner, go out for some.
  • Clear liquids (broth, water, popsicles) are always available.
  • The nursery is between labor and delivery rooms and  "mom and baby" rooms.

• Other nuggets to know:
  • Cameras are allowed at any point but you cannot take video of the delivery, C-section surgery or any other medical procedure.
  • There are breast pumps at the gift shop at Duke Regional and with the coupon that you are given in the packet (handed out pre-tour).
  • You can wear whatever you want to at any point. I know I felt most comfortable, most like me, after the delivery in a gorgeous delivery / nursing gown that I had bought on Etsy.  You don't have to be wearing a hospital gown, if you don't want to. 

Tours of The Birth Place are free but must be registered for in advance.  Sometimes well in advance!  

What would you like to know, that wasn't discussed here?  Leave a comment below. 

In Part II, I will discuss what happens after delivery until discharge time.  Stay tuned!