"No Secrets" & More: 3 Kids Safety Tips You Need To Know

April starts Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) so let's kick things off and talk about kids.

Child sexual abuse is one of the most under-rated and pervasive crimes in this country. Conservative estimates say 1 in 5 girls, 1 in 15 boys, will be sexually abused by the time they are 18. I use the number 1 in 4 girls. My own belief is that the numbers are more like 1 in 3 girls, 1 in 7 boys especially if contact and non-contact abuse is included in a definition. Regardless of exact numbers, sexual abuse among children is common.

The good news is that there are things that you as a parent can do to help keep your children safe. Here are three ideas:

1. Introduce a "no secrets" agreement. We have told my daughter that there are no secrets in our house. There are surprises (what Santa might bring, for example) but there are no secrets. She knows from her time at her excellent preschool about the idea of excluding. I've built off of that. Secrets exclude people. So no one should ever ask her to keep a secret. We've made an agreement that she should tell my husband or I if anyone ever uses the word "secret" with her.

2. Make a big deal about "no". She says "no" to my tickling and I instantly stop. When she is sticking her face uncomfortably close to my own, I tell her "no". If my "no" doesn't stop her actions immediately, I remove my body from her reach. Consent conversations must start early with kids. You can do this by teaching them they have the right to say "no" about anything with their bodies. This includes asking them to give someone a hug (or kiss) and modeling you saying "no," with your body.

3. Identify their safe people*. If a parent or caregiver wasn't around and a child needed help or support, who could they ask for help? Teachers and the police are often in this category for many kids. But who else? Your child needs to know that there are other adults that they can count on for help. You and your kiddo should have a conversation where they identify 2-3 grown-ups that they feel comfortable asking for help. For us, my daughter chose 2-3 neighbors on our street with whom we are close as a family and she felt safe talking to.

If you are a child in an abusive situation, it can feel like not only does no one else see what you see but that no one can help. One of your many goals as a parent is to avoid having your child feel that way. These three tools help create a foundation of trust between you and your child. So hopefully if anything bad does happen, your kiddo will tell you straight away. And when they do, that you will believe them.

What are the ways that you help keep your kids safe? Leave a comment below.

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*Depending on age/maturity, starting with "safe people" can be easier than "tricky people".

The Mystery of the Misunderstood Survivor

FAQ #3: Why don't domestic violence survivors leave? or Why didn't the rape survivor fight/scream for help?

Leaving, calling the police, fighting back are all things that any survivor has considered. And may have tried. Or didn't. The question of "why didn't they..." is an understandable one; we want people to get out of bad situations but we are not trained how to respond. So we victim-blame or re-traumatize with an interrogation. What is important to remember is that we don't have the right to ask anything of a survivor in the first place. It doesn't matter what the survivor did or did not do. Instead of assuming dimness of a survivor or othering her, we need to put ourselves in her shoes.

That's easier said than done.

But what if we could understand a survivor's motives? Would we be more sympathetic? Would we be more inclined to help or at least, to not judge?

Let's find out.

Starting next Thursday, my survey on survivors and their decision-making and intuition opens. Check here for the link or my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter to get it.

Thanks for reading.

* Don't worry if you aren't sure if your experience qualifies, there are definitions in the very beginning of the survey to help.

What is Self-Care?

Sometimes reading about self-care can do the opposite of its intended purpose! Self-care pieces are meant to uplift and challenge. But they can be a reminder of how we are not caring for ourselves. We may know we should take care of ourselves and yet… we don’t do it.

Self-care is especially challenging for abuse survivors. We may feel unworthy of care or unwilling to try any of the usual ways to care for ourselves that so many people like. If we were ever hurt in a bathtub by a caregiver, for example, taking a hot bath might feel scary instead of relaxing. The idea that something works for other (“normal”) people can make us feel marginalized. And that can make us feel even worse!

In spite of our often complicated feelings about self-care, it is critical for all of us. Especially for abuse survivors. One of the best things we can do in this world is to care of ourselves. There are reasons why on the graphic to the right but here’s another:

When we care for ourselves we show the world how we need to be treated.

That world includes our children, partner, boss, parents.

And here’s one more:

Modeling to other people what we need to receive is not only a gift to ourselves but to others.

Because we show them that they are worthy too.

Everyone is worthy of self-care. The homeless veteran on the corner, the server at the fancy restaurant, the student trying hard to graduate and the mom managing three kids under ten. You, me, them.

Let me know how your self-care is going. And where you need some support. Leave a comment below.

Thanks for reading.

How To Improve On A Good Thing

Starting with the Domestic Violence group that starts next week, I move to a drop-in model of peer support-

My goal with support groups for abuse survivors has always been to make them as accessible as possible. The groups are free. They are open to any female-identified person, regardless of diagnosis or situation*. They are LGBTQ affirmative and trauma-informed.

However, it occurred to me that I could make the peer support groups better and more trauma-informed if I were to go to a drop-in model. This idea came at the same time as folks were asking about attending but had a date conflict. As I work on my book on how to lead trauma-informed, peer support groups, going to a drop-in feels like the natural next step.

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Thoughts from a few participants from a past peer support group.

A drop-in model means that attendance is not "strongly encouraged". Participants can come to one session in the series of six (or eight) or all. They may see the same folks at each meeting or new folks. Drop-in groups are more accessible because interested attendees don't need to wait long before joining. There is even less of a screening process, too, which may also help potential folks feel more comfortable. But the best reason of all is that drop-in groups give more power and control back to the survivor. All survivors needs more of that.

For everyone's comfort, privacy and safety, I will continue to keep location confidential. So I ask folks to reach out to me if they are interested in a group by clicking here. When they do, they share their name and email with me so I can contact them with group details. I can also answer any questions they have before they arrive at a group.

Thanks for reading and for your support.

*Groups are open to women who are far removed from their abuse and women whose abuse is more recent.