Behind The Scenes: Is it okay for me to say "no" to family who want to hug and kiss my kid?

Twitter DM from an anonymous follower:

"Hi! I read your _Kids and Safety_ post* and it made me think about family members who try to hug and kiss kids. Is it ever okay to say "no" to them?"

Great question! You are NOT wrong for wanting to enforce a "no" you set...with anyone.

It's really important to make a big deal about listening to a "no". When we teach kids that "no" is an acceptable response, we are teaching them to listen to their bodies, gut and heart. That's a crucial life skill. "No" is also a boundary, right? Setting and maintaining good boundaries with people, especially family, is another life skill. These life skills are ones that perpetrators and abusers look for in kids and adults. When they are missing, kids and adults alike are more likely to be exploited and hurt.

Putting kids on the receiving end of an adult's desired way of showing affection deprives a child of their ability (and right) to listen to and learn from their own body. That's across the board: from listening to their body when they need to pee in the middle of the night to listening to their body when it's hungry and listening to their body when they feel nervous about someone. Remember, sexual predators are usually folks kids know. So it's especially important to help kids listen to their bodies, especially around familiar people.

Before you start, it may be helpful to practice. Saying something out loud always makes us more confident, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. You might say, "Actually we/I have decided to let the kids decide when and who they give hugs and kisses. Thanks for helping us allow them to make those choices." You never need to explain a boundary. But if you want, you could say, "we want little Bridgett to learn to listen to own body instead of what other people tell her she should do with your body."

Last thing! Boundaries only work when they are clear, consistent and you stick to them. Repetition is your friend.

Thanks for being a good mom.

PS.* That post is here.

Kids are kids...right? Devastating new research says "no"

It starts at age 5.

No, I'm not talking about Kindergarten where my 5 year old will be this Fall. I'm talking about the "adultification" of black girls. A brand new study by Georgetown Law's Center on Poverty and Inequality found that black girls are seen as "less innocent and less in need of protection than white girls,". Lead author Rebecca Epstein says that this bias can help explain why...

"Black girls are 5x more likely to be suspended as white girls, and twice as likely to be suspended as white boys.

Black girls make up just under 16% of the female school population, but account for 28% of referrals to law enforcement, and 37% of arrests.  White girls account for 50% the female school population, but only 34% of referrals and 30% of arrests. 

Black girls are nearly 3x as likely to be referred to the juvenile justice system as white girls.

Black girls are 20% more likely to be charged with a crime than white girls."

I was asked recently why African American women were more likely to be abused*. My internal reaction was incredulous. How could centuries of racism not make black women more likely to be victims of violence? This new report makes sense in a similar way. If black girls are (seen as) less deserving and more knowledgable about adult topics, they will certainly be more likely to be treated as adults. And that bias will extend to sexuality. Black girls are also more likely to be seen as hypersexual. Hypersexuality is a familiar stereotype about black women. With this evidence (although not explored in the report) it's little wonder that black girls are more susceptible to sexual abuse.

The report calls on lawmakers and policy wonks to "look at this disparities" and "pursue reforms,". Yes. And it's not just on lawmakers. Very little would happen if we relied on lawmakers to be the ones pushing reform. it's actually on all of us to create the needed change. We need to look at our own biases. Who do we follow? What do we watch? Where do we spend our time? How do we talk about equity in our family? It's on all of us.

The door is wide open on this one. Everyone can fit through and make a difference, especially the white folks. You can start today.

*Only Alaska Native or American Indian women are abused at higher rates.