Behind The Scenes: "Can My Abusive Partner Change?"

Email from Tara:

"I'm in an eight year relationship and my husband's drinking has become a problem. When he is drunk, he's abusive toward me. I've spoken to him about this (when he's sober) but he either doesn't think there's an issue or can't remember what I'm talking about. I've invested so much time with him so I want it to work. But I'm at a loss about what else to do. Do abusers ever change?"

Tara raises a common question. 

Anyone who has ever been in abusive relationship, including me, can empathize with her. We've invested hard work into a relationship. We're willing to help our partner make changes in his or her own life so we can be in a healthy relationship again. But it takes two people to change what's wrong in a relationship, especially one where there is abuse.

The good news is that abusers can change. 
The bad news is that they don't usually want to.

Abusers know what works for them and they continue to do it because it does work. It works when there are no repercussions from their actions. The partner stays. The job keeps them on. Their siblings still speak to them as always.  Without any kind of accountability, there is no reason on his end to make a change.

Except love.

In a healthy relationship, if we bring a challenge to our partner, they will work with us on it because they love us. We are one of the most important people in their life. They want us to be happy.

In an abusive relationship, problems aren't problems unless they are the abuser's. Tara's husband is unwilling to admit that his actions cause her harm. My guess is that he may go a step further and blame her for what he does.  Abusers usually find a way to offload responsibility for their actions. Abusers are not skilled at owning their own shit. 

Abusers will sometimes stop their behavior when they are caught. When they get a DWI or get fired from their job for example. But stopping abusive behavior in those situations is circumstantial and often temporary. 

Everyone of us only changes when we want to change. 

I have lived the story of wanting someone to change too, Tara. And I've been teaching people about abuse forever. If he is not listening to you -the person he loves most in the world- he's not going to change.

So it's on you, dear one. You make the choice to save yourself or try to continue to save him, sacrificing yourself. It's never easy but it is that simple: there are only those two choices.  

Just remember, you're worth it. Now, today and tomorrow. Always.

Source: will-my-abusive-partner-change

{Guest Post} How To Make Self-Care a Priority

Monica Barco is a Certified Holistic Health Coach who owns Nourish Health Coaching in Durham, NC. She offers group programs and workshops to people who wish to take ownership or their health journey.

Self care is simply an action (or actions) that you make to take care of yourself. This can mean different things to different people, depending on what is needed to achieve health on a physical, mental, or even spiritual level. It is about caring for yourself to help you move forward from wherever you are in your walk of life. It is something only you can give yourself. 

Self care is often looked at as if it is unnecessary, that it takes too much time, or isn’t a priority. Self care is actually just the opposite. Try changing “self care” in that sentence to “I”. “I am unnecessary, I take too much time, or I am not a priority.” That feels really different, doesn’t it? But really self care is how you care for that “I” person. 

Starting your own self care doesn’t have to be getting a massage, taking a hot Epsom salt bath, or anything that involves your body, if that doesn’t feel right for you. Start at a different level. Self care includes taking care of your emotional and spiritual parts of yourself too. 

  1. Taking time for a uplifting relationship. Taking quality time to spend with a friend who really builds you up can really help revive a weary soul. Sharing a leisurely brunch, a hike in the woods, check out a museum, or even just a long phone call can really make you feel valued and loved. 
  2. Taking time for meditation. The benefits of meditation are great in number. Some include stress management and release, clear minded thinking, and reduction of anxiety. If you’ve never meditated before, try not to overthink it. I know that some people think that it is overwhelming because they don’t know what to do. There are many ways to get around that. One is to follow guided meditation. There are some great free resources on The Chopra Center. Another is to find an app for your phone and try to follow those instructions. One that I like is called Headspace.  Another is to go out into a quiet place in nature that you feel comfortable. Sit comfortably and just listen to the sounds. Allow your mind to wonder, and if it gets stuck on something, refocus on the sounds, or how the sun is hitting your back, or how the breeze is tickling your neck. 
  3. Be grateful. Practicing activities that help you to be grateful promotes positive thinking, helps you look at all the little good things that happen each day, and helps you create stronger memories of your positive experiences. 

Try this quick exercise at the end of the day that promotes positive thinking:
Write down three good things that happened during the day.  Then, write down why each of them happened. Think about the impact these positive events had on your day. How would your day have gone if they had not happened?

To continue this exercise in the future, jot down things that you are grateful for each day. Some people put these on slips of paper and drop them into a vase or even a shoebox, and read them at the end of the year. If you get the whole family involved, it can be quite an interesting and uplifting time for you all to see how much what you do for each other matters.
So, as you think about ways that will feed you as the beautiful human that you are, take time to prioritize caring for yourself. You are worth it.

Monica is offering OTMB readers a 25% discount on The Art of Self Care, a 10 day program that begins on February 18. https://nourishhealthcoaching.com/art-of-self-care/ Use code: OTMB25 

Source: self-care-priority