Ouch! Why You May Be Feeling This Way

I suffered from seizures from age four to almost six. I was in and out of the hospital and was given at least one EEG to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Those experiences were traumatic. My mind forgot the worst memories (although I do remember the electrodes attached to my scalp) but my body remembers. Our body often remembers past trauma and that memory surfaces in different ways.

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One way that memory might surface is through triggers. Needles are a trigger for me. Needles always made me feel sick, light-headed and no matter how skilled the nurse, needles are always physically painful. Triggers, like a needle, are real whether you remember the past trauma or not.

Triggers remind us to pay attention to something. The reminder is likely related to "danger! that ____ hurt you before,". If you've experienced family abuse, for example, a visit from a parent can be triggering. When you pay attention to that trigger, you are in a better position to manage it. We can manage triggers in a few ways:

1) Create better boundaries. We may not be able to drop triggering people from our life but we can create rules for ourselves about them. Your parent doesn't stay at the house or we always meet a former partner at a neutral place instead of home.

2) Get present. Remind yourself that the danger has passed. You are healthier and safer now than you ever have been. Saying aloud to yourself, "I'm safe, I'm okay," can go a long way.

3) Practice self-care. Triggers remind us that we need extra support and/or love. Give that love to yourself in the form of special self-care or get it from a trusted person.

We can't always know why we are triggered and even when we do know, we can't always eliminate that trigger. But we can recognize it when it's happening and remind ourselves what we can do about it. That goes a long way toward feeling more successful and confident in all areas of our life.

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Speaking of family abuse, I start a new Domestic Violence Survivor Peer Support group on Wednesday March 15. Click here to learn more.

Bedroom Confessions: Why You Need To Ask About Sleep

If you are someone who works in a helping field you need to be asking about sleep. Asking someone about their sleep patterns is often a way that I start a conversation with a survivor. Sleep is a safe subject especially with someone you don't know. And this is the kind of bedroom confession you need!

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Asking a "how" or "why" questions gets people to dig deeper, giving you more information to work with, so says behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards. I like "how" and "why" questions for these reasons too but also because they are trauma-informed. They encourage the respondent to answer in a way that allows her to both share her story on her own terms.

Here are a few sample ways to ask about sleep --------->

The answers to sleep questions help you consider physical or emotional challenges. Is the client going through menopause or struggling with the loss of a parent? Or perhaps she is now coming to terms with her history as a rape survivor? Sexual abuse survivors typically have less quality sleep than non-survivors. They are more likely to sleep fewer hours, struggle with falling asleep and have disrupted sleep.

Sleep questions give you opportunities to create trust between you and your patient. They are non-medical questions that enable the provider to share power by allowing the client to be the expert. How many of us ever feel that way when we see a provider? Sleep questions also ask for an opinion. Asking for an opinion allows you to pivot from all-knowing provider to interested learner. Each of these small changes build trust.

Quality and quantity of sleep are important to consider when looking at health. We all sleep. We all eat too but asking someone you don't know about their eating habits can be tricky. And not only if they have struggled with disordered eating in the past! But asking about sleep is different; it's a conversation starter. Sleep questions provide useful background and help you understand how a patient thinks of herself. So get those bedroom confessions going! Ask about sleep.

Book review: Making Out Like a Virgin

I learned of _Making Out Like A Virgin: Sex, Desire and Intimacy After Sexual Trauma_ in an article I read. The book is not a "how to" as I had thought but a collection of seventeen true stories from survivors. I hear a lot of these stories so nothing new for me. But if you are a sexual trauma survivor who wonders about intimacy after abuse, this is a good book to check out.

One of the strengths of _Making Out Like A Virgin_ is the broad range of voices represented within. There are men, women, trans people. Straight people, people in recovery, black, white, differently abled folks. Everyone's in there! Their stories are each a little different which makes for interesting reading.

Speaking of everyone, I seldom mention male survivors. For one, this isn't my experience. Secondly, my research and teaching centers on how abuse affects women and girls. That's what I know best. And yet, it feels important to remind us again that sexual abuse happens to men and boys as well. But, yes, that happens in far fewer numbers. _Making Out Like A Virgin_offers several male survivor stories which should be an inspirational to some men.

Rarely when it comes to the subject of sexual trauma is "joy" a relevant feeling. But there is a lot of joy in these personal stories. There's triumph, good humor, and tenderness which feels joyful at times. It's as if you are being told a story by a generous someone with wisdom and compassion for themselves. That's all pretty awesome in a collection of stories like this.

Something else I appreciated in the stories was the frequent presence of a trusted person. These survivors get how important it is for them to have safe people in their lives. Some of the authors are partnered. Some of them mention a special person who supported them unconditionally. Survivors must have a trusted person in their life. I talk about this in my peer support groups as well in most of my writing, recently here.

The book's editors Catriona McHardy and Cathy Plourde. McHardy was a former Director of Education and Training at Planned Parenthood. She now teaches at a community college and does consulting. Plourde is a playwright. She uses theatre as a vehicle for social justice conversations. Neither identify (that I could find) as a survivor. If _Making Out Like a Virgin_ wasn't a collection of essays, you know I'd be suspicious. But McHardy and Plourde keep their commentary short and leave the insights, thankfully, to the authors.Order at Amazon here or, as I did, via The Regulator here. Same price. Shop local, y'all.

11 Reasons Why "Breast Is Best" Makes You Wrong

A recent piece on Romper got me incensed. The author, Fiona Tapp, had given some thought to the "breast is best" mantra. Given the backlash she'd experienced, Tapp considered the facts behind "breast is best". In the end, she decided that saying "breast is best" is "perfectly OK". Tapp proceeded to offer 9 reasons to support her conclusion.

It's been a while since I have tackled this topic on the blog. But I talk about it often so it feels like a good time to revisit why I hate, yes hate, this term. Here are 11 reasons why "breast is best" makes you wrong.

1) Baby cared for and protected is more important than what baby is fed. Need science on that? Look at the ACE Study (here or here) or any other research on the affects of early childhood trauma and neglect. An especially good resource is Dr Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk. That's here.

2) Let's get this out of the way. Yes, formula is manufactured. And it's also medically necessary for many babies. Formula may be* the only option for babies who have a congenital deformation, some forms of hypoglycemia or babies who have lost too much weight. It's not common but some babies are actually lactose intolerant so they must formula. Medically necessary or not, babies need to be fed. If that's confusing, see #1 above.

3) 1 in 3-4 women will be survivors of sexual abuse in their lifetime. Some sexual abuse survivors are not willing or able to breastfeed. Feeding on demand, even in the middle of the night, and often in bed can be triggering for a survivor of abuse whose body has been controlled by someone other than herself. 

4) Low income moms are at a double disadvantage with breastfeeding. A) They are more likely to work low wage jobs which don't leave money for breastfeeding supplies. Supplies (from nipple shields to single use bags to a dependable pump) can be expensive! B) Poor moms are also more limited in childcare options. They may need to rely on an unethusiastic caregiver who isn't knowledgable about breastfeeding because of affordability or access issues. 

5) Not all parents have breasts! The breast cancer survivor, two dads, foster parents or adoptive parents may not have breasts or be able to lactate.

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6) Some moms cannot breastfeed, no matter desire, it's just not happening. This is something that I have heard for years. But last week I reached out to a Facebook group and asked about it. One woman, “Laura”, shared this ---------->

7) Breastfeeding isn't "natural" or "intuitive; it is learned. For topics that aren't covered in school (breastfeeding, healthy relationships), we rely others' experiences. Breastfeeding may remain a mystery if mom, sister or friend didn't do it. Support from an breastfeeding professional can be expensive and time-consuming.

8) Speaking of which...breastfeeding can save money but it can cost money. Time away from your work, even to breastfeed, generally means time you are not paid for. The United States is the only industrialized country without paid family leave. I asked a group of women how long they took off from work after their first baby. 90% of women said that they went back before they wanted to.

9) BF can also be scary for women who have struggled with body image issues. Here's how Fearless Formula Feeder Suzanne Barston describes it in her book, Bottled Up., having swollen, enormous leaking breasts was not only physically uncomfortable; it brought back every dark thought, every weird insecurity from a ten-year struggle with anorexia." (92)

10) Every day 3 women are murdered by their boyfriend or partner. These women usually aren't safe in their own homes. An unsupportive / abusive partner can see time with baby as time away from them. Formula feeding can stave off abuse, distract and/or get help around baby.

11) Some moms don't want to breastfeed. It doesn't matter why. Leave them alone already. Unless their baby is in imminent danger, just walk away from your judgment of their life.

Bottom line: Breastfeeding is a privilege. Some of us are more privileged than others. Until we right the wrongs mentioned above and add:

milk sharing programs;

donor milk programs that are actually free; 

access and education for all families who want to breastfeed;

paid leave;

 and so much more, breastfeeding will remain a privilege.

Slogans like "Breast Is Best" make us wrong but maybe that doesn't bother us. But what should bother us is the marginalization and isolation of new parents. BIB comes out after the presents are open and the freezer full of food is empty. It's bandied around at a time when some some moms don't have a moment to themselves to shower. When the partner has gone back to work and mom is alone for at home with a crying baby. When new parent policy is more endangered than ever, we need to strengthen the ties that bind us, not encourage further divisiveness.

We’re better than this.

*I say "may be" here because expressed milk can be an option. Milk banks are banks, however, and are usually too expensive to be sustainable long-term for even the most resourced families.