Unexpected complications

I went back to the eye doctor last Thursday for a regular evaluation after my LASIK. He knew from the last time that I still wasn't seeing as well as I did with my glasses. I still can't read the closed captioning on the elliptical at the gym. It's hard to read flip charts in my own handwriting as the day goes on. The green streets signs are hard to read at night. It's worse at night. 

Suddenly, I'm in a wash of medical terminology that I can't understand. A possible remedy: warm compresses on my eyes for fifteen or twenty minutes as soon as I wake up and then right before bed. What?! Warm compresses seem medieval, impossible as a potential solution for any dysfunction. Also, wiping my eyelids and more eye drops. Medicine is a science, isn't it? I want a shot to fix my gland dysfunction and/or another laser searing into my eyes again to make it all right. I also want to cry. Which I do later. With my sister, Caroline, over the phone. 

I hang up with her and test the idea of a warm compress on my eyes even though I'm supposed to be at my office. Laying there for just five minutes, I realize:

I'd rather be in pain and/or medicated than adjust my schedule to accommodate an extra hour a day.

Good? Bad? I don't want to attach a value to it but just to examine that truth. What does it mean that I am so wedded to my calendar? Maybe nothing more than I have a good thing going each morning. And I do:

I get up at 5:00 to be at the gym by 5:30 before my daughter and husband wake up. I leave the gym at 6:15 so I'm home to make my daughter's lunch (and hopefully shower) before she wakes up around 7:00. The warm compress procedure means waking up closer to 4:45, then laying back down again for minimum fifteen minutes after the "goggles" are heated. Who would be able to stay awake through that? It sounds so relaxing and of all the times of the day I need to relax, 5:00 am is not one of them.

The crying on the phone, ironically, was good for my eyes. And even five minutes with the warm compress felt wonderful. I started to think about how I could make this work.

Five days later, I'm doing it. It's a total pain and major inconvenience but reluctantly apply warm compresses and wipe my eyelids obediently twice a day. In doing so, I'm noticing sometimes we just need to rant at someone about how shitty something is. Sometimes things can't be fixed immediately and someone trying to do so doesn't work. This is one of those things. Being upset about it gives me back some iota of power in a situation in which I feel powerless.

Nothing about this is okay. And I accept that knowing that this will be fixed at some point. But for now, I'm doing as I'm told and yelling about it when I need to.

Do you get my weekly Wednesday newsletter? It's like this post but shorter and more action-oriented. Also, there aren't usually rants. Subscribe here.  

Lessons from The Bird (no, not that one)

The Moa was a large, flightless bird that lived in New Zealand in the 1300's with only a massive species of eagle as their natural predator until an indigenous group of people arrived on their island. Within one hundred years the Moa were extinct. So were the eagles. It's not that different today.

Image courtesy of Sci-News here

We don't become extinct the way the Moa did but it can be just as painful. Extinct for you and I means that "we" are gone. Our self has been lost. But that doesn't happen all at once. And it doesn't have to happen. Below are a few lessons from the Moa that feel especially appropriate at this time of year:

1) Protect your mind. Like the Moa, your feared predators are the interlopers in your life who don't really belong there but who works hard to keep you in a neat box that fits their needs. That may be your work or a relationship. Keep contact with those entities at a minimum or cut them out entirely.

2) Protect your body. Run away from anyone or anything that tries to get uncomfortably close or don't respect your boundaries. Find communities of support (whether virtual or in person) that help you stay strong and focused. 

3) Protect your soul. Reserve sacred time for yourself, alone. That can be as simple as a trip to the grocery story by yourself or as intentional as a weekly yoga class. Throw things out or donate. Remember to breathe. Your soul needs that oxygen flow like your body. 

You are one of the things that I am most grateful for this year. You feed my mind, body and soul and keep me accountable. With your support, I'll be around for a while..unlike the poor Moa. I hope you stick around too. Happy Thanksgiving.

"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.

Sparkle on

Yes. Really. Truly.