When We Are the Unfinished Work

Last month I talked about how hard it can be to let our hard work out into the world. To hit "send" and wave goodbye? For trauma survivors (and everyone's a trauma survivor), deeming something finished can be excruciating.

But what about when we are the unfinished work?

We can get sucked into the same, perfectionist thinking when the product is us. Do any of these sound familiar?

• We read all the recommended books.

• We work harder.

• We get more credentials.

• We say "yes" to any opportunity that comes our way.

• We work later.

• We feel frequently tired.

• We go back to school.

• We lean into Instagram and Facebook.

• We check email at all hours.

• We work during lunch, don't take a lunch or skip a meal because we're working.

• We don't turn off our phone.

• We gather opinions.

• We volunteer for projects outside our job description.

• We don't readily admit mistakes, encouraged by others' "you got this, girl!"

Unlike a writing/proposal/presentation/talk, you can't ever turn yourself in. You will never be finished. But let's talk instead about what you can do:

First - acknowledge the lie of "you got this, girl!" messaging. It's this perfectionist salute that no matter what is thrown at you, you will come out on top. And if you don't "got it!" at some point, you better not tell anyone because everyone else has their shit together. No, we break down because we are human and life can be hard sometimes.

But just as big an issue with "you got this girl!" is the idea that you can do life alone. As I whoop "you got this, girl!" I'm in the bleachers, a safe place where I can sit with my popcorn under a canopy. But for you, the arena is small and hot, a lion is coming closer and you're no more a gladiator than a toddler. What you are is human. And humans need other humans in the arena with them. Holding their coffee as they take a swipe at another lion. "You got this, girl!" keeps us miserable, over-committed, weaving in and out of others' lanes enviously. Let's put this hackneyed idea aside.

Next, choose one thing to say “no” to.

Stop skipping a meal. Stop scrolling through Facebook before bed. Stop responding right away. Stop saying "yes". Stop being the only one responsible for dinner. Stop being the point person for kid or pet appointments. Stop drinking coffee after lunch. Stop holding your child's hand at bedtime. Stop getting breakfast for your child. Stop asking permission. Stop staying late. Stop checking in with people who don't bother with you.

Finally, get real with one person. Choose one of your right people and lay it on them. All the things you are struggling with mightily. You don’t owe your truth to the world but you owe it to one person out loud.

Some of these may seem harsh. That's okay. Some of them may not resonate. Totally fine. The point is to offer ideas about what might be eliminated from the scroll of to-do's that you stick to like glue.

Because you are not a product.

Unlike a cake, a marathon, a long-anticipated trip, you won't ever be finished. Never. Not until you are dead. Life is a long-ass sprint. It is no marathon or test that whoever finishes first is the winner. You are here for the long-haul so you need to pace ourselves so you can keep going! So drop one thing already.