Not "Better" but "Different": How to Make Your Own Fortune

One rape survivor spent years in therapy and decided to press charges against her rapist.

One rape survivor made changes to her life, work and cut off all ties with her family.

And your path may be completely different.

You're looking forward. You're following your own path. Is someone else's path better? Maybe. Do they do it differently? Does your thing (stuffed rabbit, healing from trauma, strawberry pie) look different than theirs? Yes. Is that "better"? No. It's different.

Don't stop doing your thing because someone else's way may look better or "normal". Never doubt that your path is valid. Their thing isn't better. It's different because they are different from you. So above all else, keep doing your thing. And consider claiming that path more robustly. Do it with intention. Make it more "you" than it is now:

  • Join a Twitter chat and claim your expertise about the topic;

  • Tell us why you do the thing you do or why you chose the path you did;

  • Add your name to an online discussion, blog comment section or Facebook post.

When you embrace your difference, what makes you unique, you do three things for yourself:

1) You worry and stress less. Looking inward moves you away from angst over whether someone is doing better, moving faster, or more "okay" than we are.

2) You stay in our own lane. When you're there, you're better able to concentrate on you. Not fall into the "compare is despair" trap.

3) You are more effective. Not spending time on looking at other people's paths, allows you to focus time more smartly on you.

Give "better" away. Your path can work. Just do it with intention.

The Best, First Thing Isn't Your Belief

You want to do the right thing. And your friend/sister/partner may sense your willing spirit. They yearn to share their story without feeling judged. But they worry about being "too much". They've been told to "get over it,", that they are making a "big deal" or that they are "too sensitive". It happens to them a lot. You may know this. So you want to be different. But the best, first thing you can do for them isn't "I believe you,".

In the past, their story hasn't always mattered. Friends looked away. Folks from church changed the subject. Family walked out. Sometimes, even the abuse became the focal point, instead of their experience. The survivor were urged to press charges or make a complaint. Survivors have often felt the bigness of their abuse, and less their own power as a person.

Yet, survivors need to feel powerful. Power and control was yanked from them in a painful way. Being able to share their story as they would like to gives back some of that power. There is satisfaction in getting to tell a story in their own way. In the re-telling, they get to choose how the story ends. Your "I believe you," is a sentence that not only takes power away but it also ends their story.

The best, first thing a survivor needs is the chance to share their story on their own terms. Wait for them. It may take years. But when they feel safe, they will speak. Then you listen until your gut tells you that they are done. After, you check in on that feeling. "Is there anything else?" you could ask. You wait.

This is hard.

It's easier to barrel in, try to get the whole story, to learn everything. But no matter how hungry you are for connection or answers, their life is not for your consumption.

A time may come in your relationship with them when your gut may urge you to offer, "I believe you,". And if it feels right and true, you can share that. And then again, you may never get that feeling. That's okay too. By this time, the survivor will know you are on their side. And you will both know that while the best, first thing isn't always the easiest, it's often the kindest.

Behind The Scenes: "Can I Help My Friend?"

Facebook message from LeAnne:

"Hi! I'm wondering if you have any suggestions and/or resources for me... I have a friend in an abusive relationship... still... and I'm walking the fine line between supporting her and not alienating her... as she's chosen to still be with him at this point."

Hi Leanne, You're a good friend for reaching out to determine how best to support your friend. It's not an easy spot to be in!

It sounds as if you both know she's in an abusive relationship but she's electing to stay there. Is that right? That's understandable. Love is one reason people stay in an abusive relationship but there are many other reasons. Here are a few: finances, isolation, loneliness, religious beliefs, familiarity and fear.

The best thing you can do is to offer your friendship to her non-judgmentally and, if you can, unconditionally. When you do that, you allow her the space to circle back to you for help/support when SHE is ready. Telling her something like "whatever you decide, whenever, I'll be there," gives her the option to make her own choices. This is really important in an abusive relationship where there is a lot of control but few real choices. When she does circle back to you, be prepared to offer a resource to her. Just one relevant something (an attorney referral, free support group, 24 hr crisis line number) so as not to overwhelm her. Lots of choices feel scary for those who haven't been allowed to make many choices. Thanks for being a good friend.