How to be a good parent

TW: sexual abuse

My daughter, Elisabeth, fell off a footstool a few weeks ago. She screamed immediately and was sobbing within seconds. I raced to her. I told her that I was right there and "the worst is over," as my husband tried to look at her bloody mouth. My heart was aching.  I wanted to protect and reassure but I couldn't fix what had happened.

It's hard to be a good parent.

We're up against so much: our educational level, own history of trauma and perhaps mental health issues. Maybe also poverty or accessibility issues. And always privilege and work/life balance. But one of the best, simplest things we can do is believe our child. We can do this regardless of how much money we make or whatever other circumstances are influencing us. Believing someone is always a choice. For parents, believing kids is a sure bet, good parent move.

In the hit ABC show "How to Get Away with Murder" Viola Davis plays Annalise Keating, an attorney and law school professor. Early in the show, Keating confronts her mother (Cicely Tyson) about not protecting her from the uncle that molested her. Tyson tells her, "it happened to all the women, that’s our curse. It happened to my mother. It happened to her mother.’ Keating never felt believed. That feeling affected Keating likely influencing her choices, for the rest of her life.

Ironically, in a later scene, Keating's mother tells Keating what she did do to protect her. But Keating never knew. (Note: this a really powerful scene but it may be triggering for child survivors of sexual abuse.) Sometimes what happens is not okay (if it''s not okay to them, it can't be okay to us) nor can we always fix it. But parents can believe kids. When we believe them and they feel it, kids know that we are on their side. That feeling of solidarity builds trust. When our kids trust us, they come to us when they are stuck or hurt.

Elisabeth's lip is healing. She will be okay. But if Elisabeth isn't, she'll tell me because she knows I will believe her. Together we can get her the help she needs. 

Another unexpected benefit to breastfeeding

As a new or expecting mom, you know all about the benefits to your child (children) of breastfeeding.   But did you know that breastfeeding also helps decrease the chance of abuse or neglect to children too?

In a recent study in the journal Pediatrics, a study of seven thousand mothers found followed over fifteen years showed that not only were breastfeeding mothers less likely to harm their child and also the lower the risk to the child, the longer that Mom breastfed. It makes sense.  Breastfeeding strengthens the bond between mom and child (all that time together, staring into each other's eyes!) but Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, a breastfeeding researcher (not affiliated with the study) also noted that "breastfeeding also regulates hostility", on a summary of the study at Kindred Community found here. 

What exactly does "regulating hostility" mean? Here's what I think:

Breastfeeding floods your body with endorphins which help you feel good and makes the act of breastfeeding satisfying and (usually!) peaceful.   I know that when I've been stressed out, especially when my daughter was a newborn, breastfeeding was an immediate relaxant.  I felt calmer and as a result, she was calmer.  That's true even now, at fifteen months. 

While domestic violence (including the abuse of children) isn't caused by anything other than one person exercising power and control over another, common emotions of new moms (stress, anxiety, fatigue, etc.) can exacerbate bad situations and trigger abuse.  It makes sense that if moms are feeling calmer and good about what they are doing, instead of frustrated or stressed out, they will be less inclined to abuse their child. 

However you feed your baby, make sure that it works best for you too.  Breastfeeding isn't aways the best choice for moms though so it's okay if you're choosing not to breastfeed.  Remember to ask for and get the best support possible no matter how you're feeding your baby.  Just like anything else, success often depends on support!