Amy is a coach and has conducted outside assessments in the past as part of her client offerings. But she's gotten away from that work in the last year. Last week, a new client came to Amy and asked if she would do a 360 assessment for someone on their team.
Lane works for the government and serves both agency employees and people from the community. Since Covid, their inside facing work has become busier. Yesterday, a community partner emailed Lane to do a presentation similar to one they've done in the past.
Rayena left a job in corporate America to take a position in higher ed. They have continued to consult for their previous company on the side but that work had diminished in the past nine months. Recently, however, a company that was a client of their old firm has asked them about doing some contract work.
Amy might say "yes" because it feels like a way to ensure she's asked again. Rayena might say "yes" because they feel pressured because of past commitments. Lane might say "yes" because they feel they have to, in order to maintain the relationship. These feelings are all valid. Feelings are how we experience our emotions. They are not facts or predictors of the future, however. So using them as insurance for a possible later outcome is counter to their purpose. Feelings are powerful tools for internal use, not external guidance. We want to use our feelings as a detective might: to better understand ourselves and/or situations we are in.
Instead of Amy, Lane and Rayena using their feelings about the request as they might wield travel insurance, it's better to pause. In the pause, they could ask themself "do I really want to do _____?" and use the feelings behind that answer to get to a confident "yes" or "no".
A confident "yes" feels like consent. It is not forced or coerced. It is not submitted to out of guilt or a sense of responsibility. It's offered intentionally, freely and is a trust builder. A confident "yes" is usually a reflection of some combination of personal values, intuition, talents, skills and community.
Do they feel excited? Or annoyed ("these people!")? Tense because they bumped up against a boundary ("last time I told myself I wouldn't do this again!")? Honored ("it feels right when I talk to this population,") or obligated ("I'm expected to say 'yes' because I'm Latina/Queer/a survivor/differently abled,"). Worried ("I don't like the look on their face when I've said 'no' before,").
We can't get to the feelings though, if we don't pause to ask for them.
Pausing to ask yourself how you really feel can be a privilege. Not every admin, intern, essential worker or new hire can pause and ask themselves "do I actually want to ____?" before they answer. But the pause and question practice need not be limited to one's work. You can use the pause and "do I actually want to do ____?" in your personal, church life, volunteer work or within your school community.
Feelings are only feelings. They are not facts and they are not insurance. But they are valid sources of information when you direct them inward. When you use them to listen, for example, to your response to "do I actually want to_____?" instead of as a tarot reading.