Making Better Parenting Decisions
When my daughter first started talking about sleepovers, she was in first grade. My trauma survivor mama mind instantly traveled to all the worst things.
"Do you remember what my #1 job is?" I asked her.
"To keep me safe and healthy," she replied.
“Yes and I don’t feel like I can do my job as well if you're at a sleepover at age 6. So let's talk about it again when you're starting third grade.”
She accepted this. In part, because her friends were told the same thing. The topic was forgotten. Second grade came and almost went when Covid hit. Suddenly, her friends were all tiny bubbles on screens. Third grade started the same way second grade finished. It was after spring break when the sleepover invite came in.
I am not a parenting expert. There are better equipped people out there for that important work. My work is helping you understand how culture and personal history influence the decisions you make. So you can shed fear, guilt or shame based "yeses" and "no's" for choices that honor your values, intuition, talents and skills.
And that response to my daughter? It wasn’t my first.
Everyone is a trauma survivor.
Trauma is "an emotional response to a terrible event" (1). Because humans are emotional and because terrible events are common, everyone is a trauma survivor. If you had an emotional reaction to a terrible event, it "counts" as trauma. You do not need a mental health diagnosis or to be in therapy to have your trauma count.
Interpersonal trauma happens between people and is committed with intent. Rape, street harassment, workplace harassment, physical violence, sexual violence, coercion and stalking are examples of terrible events that are committed deliberately (2). Interpersonal trauma is most likely to be committed by someone you know. (If this is not true for you, that doesn't mean your trauma is not valid, just that stranger-stranger trauma is less common.) Because of the familiarity factor, your ability and desire to trust can be affected.
Trauma comes back to survivors through vulnerable times (pregnancy, a new job or big move, postpartum period) and triggers (needles, a certain type of cologne, being told to "relax" during a pelvic exam, breastfeeding). You can't always know why you are triggered and even when you do know, you can't always eliminate the trigger. But you can recognize what is happening and remind yourself that your reaction is normal; it is common. You can also remind yourself that when you feel vulnerable or unsafe, you might compensate by doing things that help you feel more in control. That's not necessarily bad or good. It's a pattern you have learned to protect yourself.
You know there is never any one factor behind any "yes" and "no" that you offer. This is true for the decisions you make as a parent as well. That’s the lasagna, right? Your trauma history is also part of that lasagna. As a trauma survivor, your child talking about sleepovers might be a trigger. If it is, you may feel vulnerable and anxious. You might compensate by saying something like,
"There's no way in hell that I will ever allow you to sleep overnight at someone's else's house! That will never, ever happen.”
(My own less than noteworthy first response when the issue came up.) Declarative statements like this help you feel more in control. The finality of your words may make you feel like a good parent. You are protecting your kids. Who can argue with that?
Welll…
Parent, author and teacher Jessica Lahey tells us "that what feels good to us isn't always good for our children." (3) (Darn.) Lahey tells us that wanting our kids to be safe is normal but we also want to be "parenting for resilience, for independence...not what feels good and right in the moment...parenting for tomorrow, not just for today." (ibid) As a survivor parent, this can sound good but feel terrifying. Part of being a survivor parent is balancing the weight of our own hurt with the fear of our kids being hurt the way we were.
There is power, however, in acknowledging what you cannot control. In this case: accepting that culture and conditioning never really go away. You might also need to remind ourselves that while "never, ever" might feel good in the moment, knee-jerk responses don't do kids any favors long-term. They are also emotionally exhausting for us and not sustainable. What we need then are strategies to balance our need to feel more in control (and thus, safe) which also parent in a way that helps kids "build competence and a sense of self" (ibid).
In his new book, Think Again, Adam Grant says we tend to cling in a maladaptive way to our beliefs. Doing so can make us over-estimate our skill, unrealistically confident, but also occasionally blind us to reality. What we should do instead is "assess ourselves like scientists, looking through a microscope," to consider evidence instead of strongly held beliefs. (3) Perhaps you might say, as I did, "well, my beliefs define me!". To which Grant would answer, allow your values to define and guide you, not your beliefs.
I tend to get a little obsessive with values work. Your values are these unique pieces of yourself that serve as your moral compass. Values don't look like a verb but they are. They are an action word or phrase to engage with daily. One of the first tasks I do with clients is to guide them through a series of values discovery activities. You can do something similar with your kids as a way to outline your family's values. Like personal values, family values are a way to illustrate, using words, who your family is and what matters to them. Once you have your family values in place, they become a touchstone that the household can refer to. Here's a sample family value around safety:
"In our family we believe that everyone has the right to their own bodies. This looks like the adults doing whatever they can to keep the kids safe and healthy. And the kids telling the adults when things feel unsafe, upsetting or scary to them."
Everyone benefits with a set of family values. For you as a parent, values work is a way toward more intentional parenting. Your family values are a tool you have to explain why certain choices are made. But also why some activities or behaviors are not allowed. Your family values give you a reference point for quality yeses and no’s. For your kids, a list of family values can help them understand how they can show up but also what is expected of them and how to behave in the world. Having the list of your family values can be especially helpful as your kids go from Hatchimals to iPhones and trying to keep up with their friends' lifestyle becomes more complex.
Your almost 13 year old wants to be on TikTok because their friends are. As their birthday grows closer, they are mentioning it more often. You need to make a decision. Enter sticky boundaries.
Sticky boundaries are clear, firm statements that are non-negotiable and consistent. Sticky boundaries can be what you expect from someone, what they can expect from you or "rules" that you set for yourself. They are quality "yeses and no's" in action. Remember, our sample family value (above) safety. You can use some language from that family value and create a sticky boundary for the TikTok decision. Here’s what a sticky boundary might look like:
"It's my responsibility to keep you safe and healthy. So you can have TikTok but it will be a shared account with me."
Your soon-to-be teenager will likely balk but a sticky boundary is not an invitation for dialogue or a signal you want to be convinced. After the boundary is set, you don't engage further. To engage gives the other person the idea that your mind can be changed. It cannot. As soon as boundary is shared and before your LO starts to be coercive, you can repeat the boundary.
Child: "But mom! None of my friends have to share an account!"
Mom: "_______, I only parent you. So you are my responsibility. You can have TikTok but it will be a shared account with me."
The conversation is over. You can now walk away.
As a trauma survivor, the act of walking away may seem like abandonment. But it's important to understand not all walking away from your child is wrong. There is a difference between walking away when you set a boundary and walking away after you drop a bomb like divorce. Your set boundary is a little stressor. You are parenting for autonomy and resilience, remember? Little stressors build resilience. They help kids cope with disappointments.
Sticky boundaries are also rolemodels. They give your child a living example of what is acceptable (and not). Teaching kids what boundaries sound and feel like is giving them a skill they will use for life. It's likely something that you never learned in your own family of origin.
Remember, you are not abandoning a child in their time of need or when they are processing a major life event. You are ending the conversation because once a boundary is set, there is nothing more to be discussed.
Bundled on the chaise lounge in my bedroom, I heard it. I paused from my book and leaned closer. There it was again. The mewling sound of my daughter crying. I got up and went to her room. I remember her words, "I need you," she said. Oh, my heart! Squeezed in the most tender of places with the tenderest of sentences: a vulnerability statement. Vulnerability statements are my riff off Brené Brown's definition of vulnerability ("sounds like truth and feels like courage,"): true sentences that feel brave to say to someone else.
The act of being vulnerable can be hard for trauma survivors. A trauma history can make survivors hesitant to offer anything personal. Being a parent, however, gives you the opportunity to practice being vulnerable with safe people: your kids.
"You told me you would never leave me crying alone," she said.
I sat down on the bed. "You're right. I was wrong in not coming in." I said.
Can you remember a time when either of your parents (or an elder you were close to), admitted they were wrong? Truly, most of us go weeks without hearing anyone admit they were wrong. Admitting you are wrong is hard! But it's also an example of a vulnerability statement. Admitting you were wrong shows kids that you make mistakes but also what it means to be a good human: owning mistakes when you make them. (And if you really want to underscore to the other person that they were right, you not only tell them you were wrong, you tell them they were right.)
I rubbed her back as she cried. "I was just tired and deep in my book." I told her.
Another example of a vulnerability statement is a small truth. Small truths are the opposite of a bomb like divorce. They are more facts of life: you are tired or don't feel well or even you need to use the bathroom. Small truths help your kids see you as human. They teach kids that they don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
If sticky boundaries are quality no's, vulnerability statements are quality yeses. Vulnerability statements are an invisible thread that connect people because they build trust. They show others that you are safe to talk to. They model bravery and honesty. Vulnerability statements help us raise resilient and empathetic kids who feel worthy and valued but also respectful of others rights and choices.
Whether you were hurt as a child or an adult, trauma changes you. How can being raped by a partner not change how you see and interact with future partners? How can being molested by a stepparent not alter your thoughts and actions with your own children?
It can't.
A trauma history absolutely complicates your parenting. But, its impact is something to be aware of, just as you would be aware of the conditioning that you receive in a white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. Or how your community influences your actions. A trauma history doesn't have to be a barrier to thoughtful parenting.
Although I knew the sleepover invite was coming (the mom of the family we were podding with mentioned it first), I was still worried. And when we feel vulnerable or unsafe, survivor parents often compensate by doing things that help us feel more in control. “Never, ever” statements for example. Or we hover or helicopter. Set no limits or very loose ones. We expect very little or ask way too much. But, parenting like this is not only unsustainable, it doesn't allow us to raise resilient, independent children.
To help your children think and act for themselves and come to their own conclusions, you need tools. Tools that build trust with each other but also within yourself as a parent. Tools that support intentional decision-making instead of fear, guilt or shame based responses. Tools that press you to parent differently than you were raised. Live your Values, Set Sticky Boundaries, Embrace Vulnerability Statements.
Even after sleepover plans were finalized, I was nervous. But my feelings didn't take over. To some extent, my worry will likely always be there because trauma never really goes away. But what I can do, what we all can do, is understand its impact. Because when we know that, we have the power to make choices that feel thoughtful, safe and healthy...for us and our children.
My May webinar, “Saying 'Yes' and 'No' as a Parent: How a Trauma History Impacts Our Parenting”, focusses on this exact topic. Learn more here.
American Psychological Association definition of trauma.
If you read this and thought, “she didn’t say my trauma,” please know that even if I did not list it, your trauma still counts.
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey, page 15.
Think Again by Adam Grant, page 64.
