How do I Know Who I Can Trust?

When I talk with trauma survivors, I often hear the question, "how do I know I can trust someone?". Relationship red flags are one thing. But what about actions or language that is pro-active? In other words, how can you figure out if someone is trustworthy?

But first, trauma. Trauma is "an emotional response to a terrible event" (APA). Because humans are emotional and because terrible events are common, everyone is a trauma survivor. But because I am talking about trust, a behavior related action, this discussion will be about inter-personal trauma only.

Interpersonal trauma happens between people and is committed with intent. Bullying, harassment, physical violence, sexual violence, threatening, coercion, stalking, revenge porn* are examples of terrible events that are committed deliberately. These events are also more likely to be committed by someone you know. As a result of the double whammy of intended harm and familiarity, your ability to trust and desire to trust can be affected. This can manifest in a variety of ways, depending on the relationship.

For example, imagine you were harassed by your boss at your first job. If this felt scary or threatening, you may have had an emotional reaction. Maybe you felt shame, anger, guilt, fear or something else in the moment or afterwards. Trust was broken and as a result, you felt less safe. When you feel less safe, you may try to compensate with actions that allow you to feel more in control.

You might be less inclined to stay late when asked. Maybe you opt out of work happy hour. You might avoid situations where the aggressor could come up behind you. Or you might become fearful of people who look similar or who have similar mannerisms as your old boss. If this feels irrational to you (not all bosses who wear Boss are threatening), you're not wrong. The way trauma affects people's behavior and relationships doesn't always make sense.

ACE Study co-lead investigator Dr Vince Felitti tells a story about a patient who was re-triggered by an event that happened many years after her abuse. The environment was not the same, the aggressor was not the same. The survivor was an adult, not a helpless child. But the patient's boss's actions catapulted her right back into the uneasy fear of her childhood. As a result, she re-started an old behavior that allowed her to feel more in control.

The way trauma affects you doesn't seem to make sense but in a way it does.

Trauma never really goes away. It comes back through vulnerable times (a new job) or triggers (a mustached boss). You can't always know why you are triggered and even when you do know, you can't always eliminate that trigger. But you can recognize what is happening and remind yourself that your reaction is normal. (Normal meaning "common".) You can also remind yourself that when you don't trust someone, you might compensate by doing things that help you feel more in control. That's not necessarily bad or good. It's a pattern you have learned to protect yourself.

A lack of trust can also look like: inconsistent or non-sticky boundaries, superficiality, passive aggression, an inability to relax, a lack of investment in relationships and more. If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. It's common for trauma survivors to act in ways that feel safe ("I can leave this guy anytime I want,") or engage in behaviors that keep the relationship at a distance. That can help you feel safe and in control.

You also might find yourself agreeing or going along in hopes of appeasing someone or avoid tempting others. A "yes" can feel safe. When you give a "yes" you know what to expect, what to do, what is expected of you. You're not risking danger or anyone's anger. You might even revert back to survivor thinking like, "if I do this, I can save/help _____ from _____." A "yes" also offers the illusion of control. Illusion because you cannot ever control anyone else's behavior.

Trust and safety are two sides of the same coin. The survivor who is asking, "how do I know if I can trust someone?" is really asking "will I be safe - both physically and emotionally - with this person?". You desperately want the answer to be "yes" but how can you be sure? You can't. But there are three tips (TIP) that trauma survivors can use to help determine trustworthiness.

Test. Test someone. Check out this graphic for the process. Your "small vulnerable share" can be about anything. It is a vulnerability statement: a simple statement that is true and feels brave to say. It doesn’t have to be trauma-related. You can say "I really hate my job," or "my brother has a drinking problem," or "we're thinking of changing schools." Testing someone is not mean, sneaky or unfair. It's essential because it helps you figure out if someone can be trusted.

Intuition. Intuition or gut instinct is a voice without language that helps you stay safe and know who to trust. You can practice listening for it by paying attention to how you feel when you're with someone. Do you find yourself relaxing or tensing? Are you holding your breath? Where in your body do you feel calm? What do you feel when they talk? Cold, nausea or suddenly having a dry mouth can be signs your intuition is warning you about someone. If you habitualize listening for intuition, you're more likely to hear it and be able to act on it.

Pace. One of the best, most under-utilized abuse prevention tools is time. Faster is better with internet speed. But faster is not better, safer or healthier when it comes to relationships. A core component of quality relationships is the willingness to put in the hours and energy for the benefit of both people. If you were to say "can we slow down?" to someone, anyone, how would that be received? If you would hesitate asking that, that's your intuition giving you a warning. Other people’s urgency, even a healthcare provider, cannot become your own.

Something else to consider when you ask "how do I know if I can trust someone?" is blame. Many survivors blame themselves for the terrible event. As part of this narrative, they often connect their mistakes or character "deficiencies" with their trauma. The thinking goes, "if I hadn't been raped, I would be a better judge of character," or "I wouldn't think this way if my first relationship hadn't been abusive,".

No.

You were never taught the importance of vulnerability. You were never taught what healthy relationships are or how to identify them. You were never taught the value of community. You were never taught how to know who to trust. This is true regardless of your trauma history. The terrible event you experienced was not only not your fault but you live, work and love in a system where violence is seen as an acceptable means to an end. A system that was not designed for you. So while trauma does shift your ability to trust people, you live in a white supremacist, racist and capitalist society. That's where blame needs to be placed. Not on you.

Trauma affects people in different ways. But something that is true for everyone is that trauma always affects trust. The question, "how do I know if I can trust someone?" is essential because when you know why that's a challenge, what you can do about it and how the society you live in contributes to this challenge, you grow in your healing journey. The rocks along that lifetime path that used to trip become more like river stones, smooth, predictable, navigable. They're still there, trauma never goes away, but over time, there are fewer hard falls along the way.

*This is not an exhaustive list of inter-personal trauma. if the trauma you experienced is not here, that does not mean it is not real or true for you.