Social psychologist Amy Cuddy says that power posing - moving our body into an empowering position - can actually boost our confidence. Her 2012 TED Talk has been viewed more than 58 million times. (Full disclosure: at least six of those views are my own.) One of Cuddy's best stories in her Talk is how past trauma showed up in her own life and what happened when it did.
As a girl, Cuddy had been in the gifted programs at school and fast-tracked to the best colleges. She knew she was smart. But while in college, she was in a bad car accident. Cuddy woke up in a brain rehab unit. She had been withdrawn from college. Cuddy's IQ had dropped and she was told she wouldn't ever finish college.
After Cuddy was released from the hospital, she decided to get back to college. Despite what others said and advised, she struggled but finally re-enrolled and later graduated. It took her four years longer than her peers. When Cuddy arrived at Princeton for a doctoral program, however, she knew that she was not supposed to be there. After all, Amy Cuddy wasn't even "supposed to" return to college. How in the world did she deserve to be at Princeton?
“Not supposed to be here” is a feeling that many of us can identify with. For trauma survivors especially, like Cuddy, a vulnerable time like grad school can trigger past trauma and cause doubt. Survivors might feel more anxious. Or at loose ends, unable to settle. They might hear the words "how dare you?" run through their head. Or "who do you think you are?" as they assert themselves.
Cuddy decided to drop out. The uncertainty and feelings of being an imposter were too much. Cuddy told her advisor, Susan Fiske, that she was going to leave the program, that she was not supposed to be there. Fiske gave Cuddy what would be life-changing advice, "fake it". Pretend that she was supposed to be there, show up and keep showing up. Just pretend. Desperate, Cuddy decided to try it.
One of the tools that trauma survivors can use when things get hard or feel scary is talking to one of their right people. Our right people are safe, healthy people in our lives with whom we can be honest. Our right people can offer us a reality check when we feel immersed in doom. They hear the imposter syndrome in our voice and remind us why it's a false voice. They can also help us feel better about the present situation, as Fiske does for Cuddy.
Cuddy's faking it continued for years. Finally after her first semester teaching at Harvard, she realized the feeling was gone. A student had come to Cuddy's office and said the exact same words she had told Fiske so many years before: "I'm not supposed to be here". This was a lightbulb moment for Cuddy. She realized two things: that she no longer felt like an imposter and that in faking it, she'd become it. She had become the person that belonged, that deserved to be in the room.
Unexpected trauma can happen to any of us. Things are going fine and suddenly, something shocking happens. We can't prevent trauma from happening nor can we prevent being re-triggered in the future. But when we're in it and feeling unmoored or lost what we can do is to reach out to one of our right people. That’s something that we have control over. Reminding ourselves what we have control over is one way we can start to feel safe again.
As Cuddy she sat in her office at Harvard that day, Cuddy told the crying student that yes, she was supposed to be there. Cuddy told her what Fiske had told her: fake it. "You can do this," Cuddy said. "Come back to class tomorrow and give the best comment ever," And the student did.
How many of us leave something important behind because we feel that we don’t belong and cannot continue? Because we can't endure another moment of feeling like an imposter, foolish and alone. Sometimes that letting go is a relief. And sometimes it is a loss.
Before we loosen our grip, we would do well to remember that we always benefit by talking to one of our right people before we make any decision. Just like Amy Cuddy did. Relationships can save us. From the despair of loneliness and uncertainty and sometimes from the haste of fear-based decisions. Indeed, relationships are all we have.
To learn more about Amy Cuddy and her work, head here.