{Behind The Scenes} "I’m avoiding touching my new partner..."

Facebook DM from A:

"I’m avoiding touching my new partner. Even kissing him feels suffocating. I am tortured with thoughts of the male body that make me feel physically disgusted. I’m aware that he is likely triggering an old trauma memory, all of which is being made worse by perimenopause and Covid. But what can I do?"

My response:

It's horrible to be in a place where you dread being with a new partner for some reason. But it's worse when they're doing nothing wrong! What you're saying is actually more common than you might think. Challenges with intimacy, revulsion even, is something that sexual abuse survivors often experience. So you are not alone in how you feel.

And, yes, the current "vulnerable time" we are all in (Covid) can trigger past trauma. For some people with vaginas, perimenopause is a vulnerable time, too.

First off, I'd ask if your partner is a *desired* partner. This may seem obvious but it's not. Were you sexually attracted to him at one point? A non-desired partner means that you are working against your body. That's a battle you cannot win.

Assuming your partner is a desired partner, it's time to have a talk. That you are a sexual trauma survivor, yes, but also what you're feeling. It's important that your partner know what's going on. Talking about abuse isn't a one and done conversation with a partner. It's an ongoing dialogue, when things are going smoothly and when they are difficult.

After you talk, a sex therapist might be a good next step. I don't always recommend therapists. But a good therapist can be a neutral person for couples who can support their growth with tools and education that feels helpful. You need to see someone who has a working understanding of trauma and who works with couples

But if your partner is not a desired partner, your answer is simple, although hard: let him go.
Yes, let him go. You deserve to have a partner who excites you. Maybe not everyday but one who really turns you on and makes you feel good about yourself sexually. That's especially important for trauma survivors.

Finally: I talk about survivor intimacy issues in this article on Medium that (still!) continues to get new reads after two years.

Good luck!