Instagram message from Anonymous:

“Hi. How do I forgive someone who has wronged me terribly. They have caused me so much pain and stolen pieces of my life that I cannot get back. But I know it’s important to forgive them. How do I do this?”

Ah, Anonymous. This is such a hard question! I believe it's only important to forgive someone if it’s important to you.

Forgiveness as the default action that's “required” to move on or through something is common in our culture. Forgiving someone sends a signal that you're the better person. Forgiveness has a kind of "good vibes only" sheen or "you got this, girl!" messaging. A not-so subtle nudge to go high, move on and get over.

But forgiveness as directed by a force outside ourselves is an unhealthy narrative. Not only does it take us away from ourselves as experts on what we need but it can be re-traumatizing for those of us whose experience(s) of abuse have been minimized or ignored. Someone imposing their beliefs around forgiveness on someone else is an abuse of power. It's an action that says "I know what you need,". It's an attempt to control someone else. That's dismissive, unfair and undermines the healing process of the survivor.

Survivors always know what’s best for them. They, like you, Anonymous, are the expert on themselves. If this feels unfamiliar, practice start listening to yourself and see what comes up then. Ask yourself what you want. If you want to forgive someone, forgive them. If you don’t want to or it feels impossible, don’t. But listen to you first, then make decisions. It’s only that path that will steer you toward where you want to go.

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Do you have a question? Share it here and I’ll answer it in a future blog post. Likely sooner rather than later.