It seemed as if I had done everything right.
Our doctor's office wasn't going to offer pediatric Covid vaccines so when the opportunity to schedule my daughter's at an elementary school came up, I jumped on it. Scheduled. The relief I felt was palpable. …and distressingly short lived.
As I was walking with Larissa last night, I realized those scheduled vaccine dates wouldn't work because my daughter had flumist earlier this week. (I was told when we went to get flumist that I shouldn't get it because it's a live virus and I had just had my Covid booster.) So we are headed away for Thanksgiving without the one dose under her belt as I'd hoped.
I was so angry at myself for not catching this in the moment before she got her damn flumist. But just getting the flumist required an inordinate amount of time and planning. In the moment, I was just so relieved that my needle phobic kid could get some level of flu protection and do her part to insulate others. I missed that what the pharmacist was telling me would be true for my daughter too.
That miss felt failure. And failure, as you know, tends to ooze. I failed at doing something so everyone is safer. I failed to ask for a manager sooner when we were denied flumist the first time (resulting a return trip three weeks later). I failed to get my kid over a needle phobia. I failed to protect my kid. Failed.
But what always gets me out of my head and into reality are people whose opinion I trust. They always came through. Always. They reminded me of two important things.
1) We often blame themselves for problems that, at least in part, stem from inadequate systems; systems that don't serve everyone or don't serve people well. Like the cluster that is healthcare today. Example: doctor’s offices not carrying flumist despite the fact that they have some needle phobic patients, even kids. This is actually a thing. So rather than get coverage to as many people in as many ways as possible, they choose the easy, cheaper route (vaccine). Or, oh I don't know, Covid pediatric vaccine distribution. Another cluster. Unfortunately, these are still the systems that we have to exist in and rely on.
2) We aren't always given -or don't have access to - all the information we need to make the best, most informed decisions. The first pharmacist at Sam’s Club (the only place in the **Southeast**, aside from select doctor’s offices to carry flumist) told me that my daughter couldn’t get it because she was not 10. There is nothing on the flumist website to support this. He sent me to CVS who I.knew.did.not carry.it. 2nd pharmacist told me I needed a prescription. Prescription in hand, my daughter finally got flumist on Monday. …when we were literally hours away from having the pediatric Covid approved. 2nd pharmacist should have had this in mind -especially as she just talked about it with me!—when it came to giving my daughter flumist.
Most of the time I am doing the best I can with what I have, working within the systems I have to as an American on this earth. I’m not failing; I’m working on it. I will get lazy, screw up, get sick and sleep in. But I’m still showing up, with what I have, in the moments I have them, for my kid. I’m not failing. I’m working on it. Just because she can’t get her first Covid vaccine dose next week doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m working on it.