Start with Listening

In times of crisis, most of us default to one of two responses: information sharing or interrogation mode. Neither are helpful. Here's why and what you can do instead:

Information Sharing is education. It’s you sharing facts, experiences and, often in professional settings, best practices. It sounds like this:

• "There is travel ban set for midnight tonight."

• "Weight loss can help reduce chronic pain symptoms."

• "Breast is best!”

Information sharing is our default. It's our safe zone. Education has its merits, times and place. But it's never your first, best response in a crisis. There's too much that can be missed/lost/unknown if we start with education. Also, it’s problematic to assume people, especially your right people, are ignorant. That they just don’t know the facts.

Interrogation mode is language (usually questions) that don’t center the other person. It sounds like this:

• "How are you going to make it?”

• "Will you be able to get home?”

• "What are you going to do?”

While it sounds like I'm (the "you" in the sentence) the subject, I'm really not. You're the subject. These questions aren't about meeting my needs. They are questions about you, your needs and the big emotions behind your needs. They do not serve the person you’re talking to because it's not about them.

But there is a third way.

It’s a path carved from kindness that you can always use, no matter what is going on, who's involved or the role you play. It's "listening mode". Listening mode is not about problem solving, trouble-shooting, education. The most up to date information is irrelevant.

Listening mode sounds like this:

• "I’m noticing that you’re ______. How are things going?”

• "I saw _______ and wondered how that was affecting you?'

• "You'd mentioned that you were ______. I wanted to check in on how you were doing.”

Even if you are short on time, you can engage listening mode. Here’s what that sounds like:

• "Thinking about you right now.”

• "Hugs/prayers/best wishes until I see you next!”

• "Safe travels home.”

Finally, unless someone is in physical danger, do not tell them you are scared or frightened for them. Again, those feelings are about YOU. Your feelings do not serve someone in crisis.

Listening mode is where trust is built. It's the only place where we can build connection with someone, EVEN if they are in crisis or scared. Connection helps them feel less alone, less scared and clearer on their options.

Most of the time, we can all afford to be more generous. It costs nothing, not even usually extra time. In times of fear and uncertainty, let's do just that and be better for our right people.