Feb 7

Feb 7 Behind the Scenes: "What's The Difference Between Playing Doctor and Abuse?"

The question below is from an anonymous poster on Facebook:

"My 5 year old, Alex, sometimes sleeps over at a mom friend's house when I'm working the night shift. Alex told me that the mom's daughter, Emma age 6, was showing adult videos to her and the other kids that were there. She was also using her dolls to replicate sex. At what point is this abuse and what's normal "playing doctor"? And what do I say to the mom?"

Here's my response:

Young children are experimenters when it comes to their bodies, but they are not sexual. This means that they may engage in age appropriate behavior, like touching their genitals or being curious about adult's genitals. While they may recognize that it can feel good when they touch themselves a certain way, their exploration is not intended with the end goal of pleasure. They are curious about their bodies and what's different about their body compared to other people's bodies.

One way kids explore is to play doctor. Like any game, who is involved in the play matters. If both kids playing doctor are around the same age, in the same grade, etc. it's usually harmless. Those kids are on the same "level" with each other. They likely feel equally powerful in the relationship. But when a child who is older, physically bigger, in a higher grade, etc. the power dynamic shifts. To better understand this, let’s remove the doctor game example and imagine two siblings (6 and 4) playing any game. Something shifts. Someone is upset. Who is quicker at explaining things? Who is more persuasive in talking to a parent..or to each other? Who has better language? Essentially, who has more power? Usually, the older child*.

The difference between abuse and playing doctor is power…and who has more of it.

It’s important to look at the two incidents together: child was replicating sex with her dolls and also showing adult videos to children. The doll example could possibly be explained. Say, for example, a child walked in on her parents having sex, became confused and her parents brushed her off. Maybe then she would later replicate that activity with dolls. But when there is also the adult video component of the story. Assuming unrestricted computer access, a 6 year old (a new speller and reader) would also need to know what to search for and how to find it using an electronic device. This would all be pretty unusual for the average 6 year old.

Children have no context for sex of any kind. Again, children are not sexual so the act of sex (in any form) doesn't mean anything. Sex is not a common activity for the average 6 year old to replicate with her dolls. If a 6 year old is acting in a sexual way (showing adult videos to friends or using her dolls to replicate sex, etc.) alarm bells should go off. A 6 year old is not trying to abuse her peers. But she is likely replicating activities she has been shown, coerced into doing or exposed to.

Back to our example: the incident was upsetting enough for Alex to tell a parent about it but the parent believing Alex is huge. Believing a child when they disclose something upsetting helps the child recover more quickly and builds trust between parent and child. Alex's parent doesn't need to blame or shame Emma's mom. But they do need to talk to her. Let's call that mom “Jessica”. The anonymous poster has two options with Jessica:

Option 1: Start with concern for Emma, ask directly.

"Jessica, Alex told me that Emma was showing the kids last Saturday some sexual videos and using her dolls to show sex. That's not normal sexual exploration for kids their age. Have you ever noticed anything like this with Emma?"

Option 2: Start with concern for Alex, leave space for dialogue.

"Jessica, Alex told me that Emma was showing the kids last Saturday some sexual videos and using her dolls to show sex. That's not normal sexual exploration for kids their age and Alex was upset enough to tell me about it."

Option 1 is more direct; parent is looking for answers from Jessica. Option 2 allows both parents to have more of a conversation about what happened. Either way, the end of the conversation needs to be very clear: "Alex can't do sleepovers or playdates at your house anymore. It's not okay for Emma to interact with Alex that way."

In conclusion, even though age 6 Emma is not trying to abuse kids, that may not be true when she is older. Children who feel equally powerful can make choices with each other, even playing doctor. But remember, kids who aren't as powerful cannot. At some point, Emma will be more powerful than some other kids. Sexual abuse does happen between children. And sleepovers are especially vulnerable times for children. Sexual abuse of any kind, including exposure to internet porn, can happen.

I share these “behind the scenes” posts because many adults haven’t had the basic personal health and wellness education that we need. Both for ourselves and for our families. Sample language and common facts can help us advocate on behalf of others’ and hopefully change lives.

*I use an example assuming kids involved do not have learning, developmental differences or physical handicaps.