{Behind The Scenes} "My father abused a child. What do I tell my daughter?"

Facebook message from Sondra:

“Hi. I recently learned that my father has abused a child. My father was a Boy Scout leader for many years and while we (his adult children) are just now learning this new, my guess is that there may be more kids out there because he was around kids a lot when he was involved in Scouts. My daughter is around the same age as the child he abused. What should I tell my daughter, if anything, about her grandfather? He and my stepmother were very involved in my daughter’s life up until this happened. Thank you.”

This is such a painful time for you and your family, Sondra. I’m glad you reached out.

Your instinct to talk to your daughter is a good one. It's important to give her some language around why her grandparents won't be spending as much time with her. Kids need to have some idea why things have shifted so they don't think the change is their fault. The key is to do it in age appropriate language. You don't share how old your daughter is so I have outlined some sample language below which you can tweak based on her age.

“Grandpa made some bad choices and hurt someone he was supposed to be helping. His actions were wrong. Grandpa needs to make some changes to help people feel safe again. We're going to give him time away from us to make those changes."

Kids need to know that what they see or notice (a grandparent's sudden absence for example) is worthy of discussion. To have it acknowledged that what they see is real. You talking about it makes it real. But they don't need all the details. "Bad choices" and "someone being hurt" is usually enough to help them understand what is happening.

I’d end the conversation with, “this is hard for me to understand too. You can always come to me with questions.” When you share your own feelings about something, you offer your daughter space to share hers. That can give you the opportunity to validate that what's going on is upsetting...or at least different.

Kids are resilient...especially if they have trusted adults they can go to if they are hurt or confused. You opening up a sticky conversation like this shows that you are one of those adults for your daughter. She's lucky to have you, Sondra. And, you didn't ask but I'm going to mention this anyway: take care of you in all of this. It cannot be understated that you have had a huge emotional shock to your own life and relationships. You, too, deserve tenderness, care and some time to heal in here. I hope you are making space for your own needs too.