This piece was originally published in 2016 at Uncompany.
August 2, 2017.
Two and a half years later the phrase “lean in” is still everywhere. Sandberg’s theory that women can “get ahead” by asking for the raise, negotiating better, working harder and, in essence, taking a place at the “corporate table” with their male counterparts resonates with readers. I get it. Women definitely need to be better advocates for themselves; I see this everyday in clients, friends, family and in myself. But that’s not the whole story.
Never mind the fact that Sandberg is heavy on the motivational speak and light on practical tips. Just ignore the fact that Sandberg is a privileged white woman with an army to help run her life. And forget that Sandberg opposes policies of affirmative action for women or that she doesn’t see any need to talk about sexism in the workplace out of the conversation. What is completely missing from Lean In is the essential discussion that public policy and corporate America play in the lives of women working outside the home, both personally and professionally.
Women aren’t dropping out of corporate America to have a child. There isn’t one single reason why women might choose to leave the workplace but certainly the push and pull of work and family has something to do with. Take parental leave for example. The United States is one of only two countries in the world to not offer any paid leave to new families. Consider the anxiety and stress of a having a new baby. Now imagine your baby was born early and needs to be in the NICU but due to complications, you may have to return to work before your baby comes home from the hospital. Seem unrealistic? It’s not. Breastfeeding challenges, feelings of trauma from childbirth and having to work while healing from the pain and stress of childbirth (or a miscarriage) are also not unusual. These more-common-than-you-think issues not only complicate a family’s transition into parenting but can also compromise the physical and emotional health of both mom and baby. Obviously, none of this is good for a woman working outside the home but the answer is clearly not to “lean in”.
Is it any wonder that some women leave the workforce after having children?
I did. Rather, I left my job a month before my due date. When I became pregnant, I’d intended on taking FMLA three months unpaid leave. I worked at a small non-profit that didn’t offer any parental leave so that was the only option. As my work became more stressful (due in part to not knowing what job I would be returning and being the only full-time employee at the agency), I decided to lean out. When I was ready to return to work five months later, I realized that I couldn’t find a job that would offer me an open, flexible schedule, satisfying work and a salary that I was worth. That’s here in Durham, North Carolina coming from someone with an advanced degree.
So, like so many other women (and men) that I am meeting these days, I started my own business. I design my schedule to work for me and my family which means, among other things, that I am able to pick up my daughter from nursery school or stay home with her if she is sick. She’s three and while not in full-time care (paid childcare like daycare is usually the only option for most babies and children under age 5), her preschool is our biggest financial expense each month. For part-time care. This isn’t uncommon. An informal, self-selecting survey on Facebook indicated that for most Durham families daycare/childcare is the biggest expense and/or is tied with mortgage/rent. This is ahead of food, car/gas, utilities, even law school tuition (as one woman noted!). “Our childcare for a 4yo and 2yo in a daycare is more than double our mortgage.” said one Durham mom whose kids were in full-time care.
Without policies that support new families such as safe, affordable childcare, paid parental leave and paid sick days, women will never be able to “lean in” and take a place at the corporate table. I applaud companies like Cisco who offer paid parental leave but all families deserve that time, not just employees at Fortune 500 companies. It’s terrific that Yahoo offers sixteen weeks paid leave but if CEO Marissa Mayer again takes only “a few weeks” of leave, then she’s sending as harmful a message about parental leave as she did about telecommuting.(Mayer ended telecommuting practices at Yahoo shortly after building a nursery next to her own office for her newborn son.) Indeed, the idea of “leaning in” seems to be contributing to Mayer’s decision to take another short leave. What then for other Yahoo employees? Will they be encouraged to take their full leave (clearly not “leaning in”) even if their female CEO pregnant with twins does not?
Advising women to “lean in” isn’t the solution. Continuing to see conversations about women “leaning in” as the answer to greater gender equity in the workplace is ignorant and unhealthy. Ladies, the fault is not ours. And, by the way, we are leaning in. Every mother is a working mother, remember? It shouldn’t matter that the work we do for our families is mostly invisible work. Let’s stop slapping the “lean in” solution for every challenge that working women face and instead place blame squarely on the shoulders of the real culprits: public policy and corporate America. Mothers in the workplace aren’t the problem. But it will take all of us stepping up and speaking out for policies that benefit women and families for real change to happen. That’s truly leaning in.
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Elizabeth M. Johnson, MA is a life coach and health educator. Her professional background includes time in corporate America, the small business and non-profit worlds. She is the owner of Outside The Mom Box, a life coaching practice that helps smart, busy women get unstuck. Elizabeth has spent most of her career helping women learn to listen to themselves and say “no” to what’s holding them back.
